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Deminsia19
Darkness scares most but it comforts the worries in my head
Then i can see nothing especially whats under my bed
welcome to my world
bright ligths hurt my eyes the sun burns my skin
light shows all the lies,the lies that lie within
welcome to my world
Sometimes i wonder what others see in bright lights and fun
But i stay in the dark cause i dont want to hurt and see
welcome to my world
I dont get depressed inside
Not in the dark
Cause your by my side I LOVE THE DARK
Welcome to my world

Thorn
Dreams On Hiatus
It's not bad.

"light shows all the lies,the lies that lie within"

That line isn't bad. There is something not quite right about it, though. Maybe it's because there isn't a space between 'lies' and 'the.'

"i" should be "I"

"whats" should be "what's"

"dont" should be "don't"

Granted, you don't have to follow some rules in poetry, but the rules of Standard Written English Grammar are rules that should be followed, unless you are misspelling something to make a point.

"Sometimes i wonder what others see in bright lights and fun
But i stay in the dark cause i dont want to hurt and see"

Those lines seem sort of smooshed. Is there any way you could rearrange them?


"Cause your by my side I LOVE THE DARK"

Okay - a major pet peeve of mine: You used the wrong form of 'your.' You used the possessive form. Since you did, the meaning I get from the sentence is that you own 'by my side I LOVE THE DARK.' But that isn't what you meant lol. You meant 'you are by my side...' In that case, you should have written 'Cause you're by my side I LOVE THE DARK.'

I think you should get rid of the caps, but that's just my opinion. I find them kind of annoying.

Keep writing - the more you write the better you'll get. I still suck at writing, as you could probably tell by the lack of critiques on the poems and such that I post here.
Deminsia19
Thanx thats one i wrote when i was like 13 so its worse then what i usually write...but thank u 4 the opinions..i appreciate them
Thorn
gothictheysay
QUOTE
you don't have to follow some rules in poetry, but the rules of Standard Written English Grammar are rules that should be followed


Actually, not at all. A lot of poems are written without that type of grammar. You wouldn't use the wrong form of "your", but using no punctuation or uncapitalizing "i" is acceptable.
Gothymothy girl
I agree. My poetry is kinda weird and really really emotional, but I try not to use caps. It just sets off the wrong type of mood.

I really enjoyed that poem!
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