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smallcuteanddeadly
I'm Dutch. I don't go in for the politenes cr*p. I say what I think and I really really want people to do the same for me. smile.gif

I'm a singer/songwriter in a band and I'm getting to the point where my band mates can't really make any more comments on the lyrics I've written. I'm going to post the lyrics for a couple of songs in this thread, and I would really, really like some constructive critisism from you guys. You strike me as an honest bunch. Don't ask me why laugh.gif I just want to improve this as much as I can. And yes, I've copyrighted what I have so far.

Also, if I've accidentaly used lyrics already used by other bands, I'd like to know, coz I don't want to risk being accused of nicking other people's work.

Thankyouthankyouthankyou x Anna

Release Me

Tied up in a spider web of my own making
I slept here alone in my bed.
My face would look peaceful, but inside I’m aching
For words that you said.
One look and I’m fallen, all yours for the taking
I let you right into my head

Release me, save me from myself
Release me, save me from myself

I wished I could hear you even just once.
Your skin. How I longed for your touch.
Cinnamon skin, a fer-de-lance
You never cared that much
I told you I love you but I miss the response.
The silence is growing too much.

(chorus)

But I have to tell you, I’ve learnt to see through you
And now you’re losing your effect
I can see the pretence baby I see the truth
I know you’re not perfect.
I don’t want you now. I don’t need you.
Tell me what did you expect?

(chorus)

Release me

Release me

You’re not my Pandora anymore

(chorous)
Dreams On Hiatus
I liked that!! I'm gonna read it again because I'm having trouble pointing out something wrong.

Okay I found some things. The following lines are kinda cliched.

"Tied up in a spider web of my own making" - that is not too bad, though. I think it's actually more 'almost cliched.' Like on a scale of 1-5, 5 being the most cliche and 1 being the least, I think the line is a 2.5.

"How I longed for your touch" - now, lol, I have heard that so many times. I have even used it before. I think that would be a 4 on the cliche ranking.

Well I was as honest as I could be. I really did like this and the only things that I could find 'wrong' were the slight cliches. Good job I'd love to hear it sung sometime! biggrin.gif
Pab
Pretty good actually ...

If I'm to nitpick it, at a push, I'd say:

- on the grammar front there seems to be some confusion between past and present tense, so "My face would look peaceful, but inside I’m aching" I think wouild be wrong ... then again, it might just be an interesting contradiction. Also "You never cared that much - I told you I love you but I miss the response. - The silence is growing too much."

- "For words that you said." seems to be missing some syllables to make it fit the meter, but what do I know, I havent heard it delivered ...

- "Cinnamon skin, a fer-de-lance" ... i assume this is equivalent to "sweet, deadly" but I have trouble equating skin with a snake. Thats probably just me again. Also i'm not sure if many people know what a fer-de-lance is , but that really IS just me


- and last of all, what is a 'Pandora'?


but all of these points are nit-picking, and I say that song ranks higher than a lot of stuff to be found out there ... The message gets across nicely, and I'm not put off by cliches, and i would be if they were bad ones ...

It's late, ver domme
PsychWardMike
Okay, I'm going to be nice... for me.

There's a lot of cliche going on here, and I mean a lot. About the only thing that sets this apart from whatever generic Linkin Park/Evanescence song out there is the allusion (which, actually came out... not well. We'll get to that in a moment) to Pandora. But the releasing, the aching, the web, yeah... it's all been done.

Added to that, you really have a lot of forced rhyme here; aching and taking - do not, DO NOT, sacrifice meaning for rhyme. It really cheapens the entire experience, you know? With that, we have to go to the flow. There were some definite issues with the sylabic scheme which detracts from the general flow and what have you. Also, I must say that you should use more poetic devices; they are, after all, what make poetry poetry.

And lastly - the subject matter. I know I say it a lot, but poetry doesn't have to deal with anger/sadness/general angstiness. Ever since Nirvana, angst has really been en vogue, but I'm pretty ready for it to go away. Let's get away from Linkin Park and just cheer up.

Anyway, it needs some work and lots of it, but those are just my opinions. Have fun and work.
smallcuteanddeadly
Thanks guys, you're being a HUUUUGE help xx

Psych - "There were some definite issues with the sylabic scheme which detracts from the general flow and what have you. Also, I must say that you should use more poetic devices; they are, after all, what make poetry poetry."

I'm not sure what you mean. If you mean it doesn't have a fixed rhythm, then I think I get it. That's due to it fitting the music. I'm blonde, I'm not the sharpest tool in the box, just pretty please don't use big words!!! And be nasty if you think it'll help me.

Thanks for the Pandora comment; it's one of my favourite Greek legends and I've got another song with it somewhere.

The angst thing is just a few of my songs. I write happy stuff too!!

Dreams - ""How I longed for your touch" - now, lol, I have heard that so many times. I have even used it before. I think that would be a 4 on the cliche ranking. "

Agreed. Not my line.

Pab - verdomme to you too!! I'm impressed, someone can swear at me in my native language!! You've made me a very happy bunny x Thank you for your comments on the grammar side, it's never been my strong point. I'll try and fix it.

"- "For words that you said." seems to be missing some syllables to make it fit the meter, but what do I know, I havent heard it delivered ..."

You're right. I think I originally had "for the words that you said" meaning the I-love-you-too bit, but when I went to sing it, this is what came out. I don't like writing songs that people understand without thinking about it too much. It's also what I used fer-de-lance. I thought referring to a poisonous snake was a good way of combining that with a mental image.

"- "Cinnamon skin, a fer-de-lance" ... i assume this is equivalent to "sweet, deadly" but I have trouble equating skin with a snake."

with this I was trying to go for a more dramatic version of a wolf in sheeps' clothing.

Pandora, I was referring to the Greek legend. Short version; A guy with a really hard name to remember had a box with the world's sins in it. Told Pandora not to open it. He loved her to bits and had married her despite a prophecy that she'd open the box. He warned her not to and she did it anyway. What I was trying to get accross was something like I'm not going to forgive you anymore. A kind of enough is enough type message.

Does that make sense?
At all??
Maybe?

Psych, knock yourself out on the critisism bit, I'm asking for it.

x Anna
Pab
Good on ya ...
Let's remind the people that this is a song, not a poem. I realise there is common ground, but Stairway to Heaven is a pleasant song, aint no poem though. Ditto Sex Machine. Ditto Tie Yer Kangaroo Down, poetic devices or not.

It would be nice to actually hear it. You got an acoustic guitar and a mic?
smallcuteanddeadly
Nope. Not connected to the PC. But I can record with my PA set up. I'll have a play tonight. However, there'll be snippets on the band website when it's re-launched next week some time, maybe this song'll be one of them. I'm not sure yet.

In the meantime, here's another

I would like to point out I wrote this a few years ago, well before I'd even heard of Evanescence. In fact, my blurb tells me I wrote it in '97. Yes, it sounds repetitive (sp?? Hey Psych, look, big word!! Are you proud of me? laugh.gif ), but the music changes alot in this one so I get away with it. This one I have a 30 second Quick Player clip of if you want to hear the music. It's a 10Mb file though, I warn you.

Tourniquet

Takes more than a stolen kiss
From your soft and teasing lips
It’s the lover that I miss
My love

Your wanting me keeps me alive
But your distance kills me
I’ve lost my will but I must survive
My love

You know I can’t just let it go
Hurt me-I’ll keep saying thank you
You’re bad for me I fear and know
My love

Why can’t you put your trust in me
Like I’ve put mine in you
But I can’t make a blind man see
My love

Let me go, I'll bleed to death
You're all I want, my dying breath

My tourniquet, my waterloo
My heart and soul I give to you
Give me the strength to see this through
My fate is bound to you

Tourniquet, Delilah
Standing near and yet so far
Can’t see you, can’t see who you are
Can’t touch you, you’re too far.


Maybe you can learn to trust
Take your time if you must
Maybe it’s no more than lust
My love

Some things will scar for life
Can cut you deeper than a knife
I can heal your pain and strife
My love

But can you give me a chance
You’re forcing me to take a stance
No such thing as easy romance
My love

Let me go, I'll bleed to death
You're all I want, my dying breath

My tourniquet, my waterloo
My heart and soul I give to you
Give me the strength to see this through
My fate is bound to you

Tourniquet, Delilah
Standing near and yet so far
Can’t see you, can’t see who you are
Can’t touch you, you’re too far

My heart and soul, my waterloo
My life and death I hand to you
Give me the hope to see this through
Your fate’s now bound to me too

My tourniquet, Delilah
I’m always close, I’m never far
I’ll reach you, find out where you are
You know you can’t go far


Why can’t you put your trust in me
Like I put mine in you
Wish I could make a blind man see
My love…

Let me go, I'll bleed to death
You're all I want, my dying breath

(full chorus)


Comments?

Thanks

x Anna
the lil' pie fairy
I liked the first one a lot, anything I would have been finicky about was picked up already, so it's all good. Definitely an Evanescence influence though, IMO.

This one...I'd love to hear the music with it, if I wasn't at school where that'd be impossible anyway! As words on the page, some of the verses/bits/whatever you'd call them sound a bit abrupt, and I'm not sure about "my love" at the end all the time.

That aside, I like the content, and the way it flows despite being in little chunks, and I don't know anything about songwriting anyway! Nice piece of creativity, methinks smile.gif
gothictheysay
Heh, to be honest I just sort of scrolled through..."But I can’t make a blind man see" = bad bad bad cliche but that's all. The first one is the only one I looked at in much detail, and it's not bad at all.
smallcuteanddeadly
I LOVE putting my own slant on cliches!!

Ok I'll try to cut down dry.gif tongue.gif

Next on the block is this one. More doom and gloom, more cliches. But I think less so than the first two. Apart from the last line of the chorus. Which fits beautifully in the song, so I'm leaving that as is.

Forgiven

What part of I love you don’t you understand?
Are you even listening to me?
Is there a real person here holding my hand?
Or are you something only I can see?

If you come here wanting my forgiveness
Be prepared to listen to me.
What I felt for you was just an illness.
That’s all it will ever be.

Own my own I used to hear you calling.
On my own you just stood and watched me falling.
On my own I’ll have worked it out by morning.
All alone you make me feel you’re crawling,
Under my skin.


A new truth emerges from under the ashes.
A new me was born today.
The look in your eye and the flutter of lashes,
Will now keep me further away.

This is my day, I know I am forgiven,
For all of the things I have done.
We all still must grow and must learn how to listen.
Hear me now: my battle is won.

(chorus)
(rpt 1st verse)
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