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I once walked in to a museum of hearts,
to see feelings untold.
Inside was the mirror of pain
Characteristics of the heart is what it showed.

In front was this young girl
Whose heart was caged in pain
She asked"why me? were they crazy?"
Things the mirror couldnt explain

Inside your girls heart
was a very large cage
That attempted to hold all her
hurt, pain, anger & rage.

The mirror stated, "if you want to release them
One thing is a must
You have to talk about them
And learn how to TRUST"
Same normal problems apply - flawed flow (that means sylabic scheme and forced rhymes), angst, and some cliche stuff. Your language isn't consistant, either - it's a little too informal, espescially in the last stanza. On the angst front... I don't really need to go into that, do I?

I kind of liked the image of the heart museum, but you didn't do enough with it at all. No poetic elements save a few rather weak metaphors (some allusion would have really helped. You could have done playing cards, Alice in Wonderland, etc.) but you didn't.

Anyway, it needs a lot of work, but the initial image has soem promise.
MIKE! PEOPLE CAN WRITE ANGSTY POEMS! Just because it's so common and often badly done does not mean everyone needs to stop. Plus, when you're really upset it's a healthy release. So shh about posting on every single sad-toned poem that there's angst in it or I'll give you something to angst about! tongue.gif

I didn't harp on the angst. Just mentioned it in passing - the focus of my message was definitely about poetic elements.
I liked it. I could clearly picture it all and I like the concept idea for it. Very deep I thought. I read this a few days ago, meaning to reply but I got distracted and forgot. It's been following me around enough over the weekend for me to remember to answer this morning, so it's memorable too.

Me like. Keepa going.
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