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Pages: 1, 2
Usurper MrTeapot
(An improvised version of those Choose your own adventure book, dive in and try)

You are in a dungeon. The chains have been removed and in the distance you can hear the sound of metal banging upon metal and seems to be getting closer. You have currently no items or equipment and are on 10hp.

To try to open your cell door turn to page 13.

To call for a guard turn to page 17.

To remain quietly until you hear the sound stop turn to page 58.

Edit: Please. No just saying "You are Dead", gets old.
*Turns to page 57*

You find yourself in a dark and mysterious cavern, you can see a pair of lights in the distance which seem to be slowly swaying and possibly moving slowly towards you, though the movement is so slow it's hard to tell.

If you have a torch turn to page 12.

If you do not have a torch please turn to page 3.
*Turns to page 3*

You are eaten up by a wandering grue.

Well played loser, you are dead!
Usurper MrTeapot
*turns to page 12*

You take a torch from a rack on the wall, the warm glow provides enough light to see a table to your left. On the table are some small objects.

To investigate the table turn to page 23.

To continue walking turn to page 32.

To extinguish the torch turn to page 2.

Edit: btw can a moddy please move this to the games forum bit. I mis-posted.
*turns to page 23*

on the table you find an unmarked potion bottle containing a gooey purple liquid and a large golden key.

to continue walking turn to page 32

to drink the potion turn to page 8
*turns to page*

You raise the bottle to your lips and are just about to drink the first drop when your torch flickers, and you notice a draught coming from one corner of the room.

to return to drinking the potion, turn to 92
to investigate the draughty corner, turn to 35
*Turns to page 35*

In the corner you see a trapdoor which appears to be unlocked.

To open the trapdoor and descend turn to page 75.

To return to the table turn to page 23.
*turns to page 75*

you're in the entrance to a cave at the bottom of a very tall cliff, outside is a grassy plain with cedar forests in the distance. The cave is too dark to see into although you can see tiny sparkling flecks in the distance.

To enter the cave turn to page 87

To go into the open turn to page 4

To try to scale the cliff turn to page 50

To go back through the trap door turn to page 35
Usurper MrTeapot
*turns to 50*

You walk out into the open, a gust of wind blows your torch out. Infront of you there is the sound of heavy breathing.

To investigate the breathing turn to page 45.

To relight the torch turn to page 54.

To return through the trapdoor turn to page 75.
*turns to page 54*

You see a small dog, panting heavily. It looks at you with puppy dog eyes.

To go up to it, turn to page 14.
To run away, turn to page 50
To cast a spell on it that (hopefully) will make it talk, turn to page 37.
{To cast a spell on it that (hopefully) will make it talk, turn to page 37}
*turns to page 37*

With a wave of your hand, you cast a simple spell upon the creature - giving it a voice that you will be able to understand. You marvel at your magical ability, and dream of one day becoming a powerful warlock. Or maybe Harry Potter.

"Woof," it says to you, "bark woof woof bark growl woof."


To try again, turn to page 266
To pet the dog, turn to 52
To stare the dog out, turn to 88
Usurper MrTeapot
*turns to 88*

You win the contest and the dog hands you some gold before scutting off. You gained 4gp.

To continue forward turn to page 37.

To follow the dog turn to page 29.
*turns to page 29*

you run after the dog as it lollops off parallell to the cliff and into another cave where you lose sight of it. There is an odd glow down a passage to your right and a firey warmth from the one on your left.

To continue straight ahead turn to page 43

To go down the right hand passage turn to page 15

To go left down the warm passage turn to page 53
*turns to page 53*

Argh! You walk right into the furnace.

You're dead loser try again.
*turns to 43*

You go down straight into a nice room with a bar-style look. A rotting corpse with a rather large hole in his chest is on the stool next to a poker table. An incredible amount of booze is on one wall, with an old guy busily cleaning out a mug with a rag. A door labeled "plot twist" is at the end of the room, but for some reason cannot be opened without doing one of the following things

To snatch the corpse's wallet, continue to pg. 100.

To talk to the bartender, continue to pg. 102.

To kick the corpse, continue to pg. 104.
What'd I do? Why'd it moved to "Daft?"
(arach, you didn't do anything. It was supposed to be here so someone moved it)

*turns to page 100*

As you go in to take the corpses wallet you get a whiff of rotting flesh and look away as you grab the wallet. In doing this you notice a small silver key under the table and grab it thinking it might fit the door.

To try the key in the door turn to page 123

To talk to the bartender turn to page 102
OK, inventory:
HP: 10
GP: 4
Wallet Description- a brown leather wallet filled to the brim with old lottery tickets and receipts. In another pocket is some money.
Small silver key Description- a small, old-style key. Just like in the video games.
Torch Description- A thick hunk of wood partially on fire. It doesn't seem to affect the wood at all.
*turns to page 123*

As you try to unlock the door, the bartender pulls out a sawed off shotgun and shoots you in the back. "We don't like unfriendly sorts around here." He sets your corpse up to look like it's playing a player piano.

You're dead loser try again.
*turns to page 102*

You talk to the bartender and quickly find out that he had lost the key and had been searching for it for some time now. He thanks you profusely and opens the door for you and lets you enter.

As you look inside you are astonished to see an enormous hallway. You notice a large drain in the floor in the middle of the room, a spiraling stair case going so high you cannot see it's destination, and a mirror at the end of the corridor.

Where would you like to go?

To walk up the stairs, turn to page 124.

To walk towards the mirror, turn to page 105.

To look down the drain, turn to page 107.
Usurper MrTeapot
You look into the mirror and gasp as you do not see a reflection! As you adjust angle the mirror you see you are wearing a miniskirt that is totally unsuitible for this season of the year.

Do you go to the closet and try on something more seasonal, turn to Page 424

To look down the drain turn to Page 107.

To go up the stairs turn to Page 124.
*turns to page 424*

In the wardrobe is a pair of old boots. The same old boots that seem to inhabit most old wardrobes. Pushing through the coats towards the back of the wardrobe you realize it's gotten a bit cold. You find yourself in snowcovered woods, still wearing your very unseasonable miniskirt. Do you?

Go back the way you came in hopes of finding the wardrobe? Turn to page 27

Wander towards a light you can see in the distance? Turn to page 305.

Stand and wait to see what happens? Turn to page 3.
*turns to page 27*

You wander back the way you came but the wardrobe is nowhere ion sight.

Eventually it begins to get dark so you reluctantly decide to walk towards the light that is still shining in the distance.

Turn to page 305.
*turns to page 305*

You trudge through the endless snow; the glimmering light in the distance your only hope of warmth and shelter. Night falls, but the moon is reflected from the ground's white sheet - allowing you to find your way.

Minutes pass, and your legs begin to ache. You stumble a few times, but manage not to fall to the ground. The light ahead suddenly begins to grow, and then blur in your sight. Your mind quickly wanders through long adventures past, and you collapse onto the ground - your head resting on the snow...

You wake and find yourself in bed. The room is lit by a single candle, and you can make out the shape of a woman beside you. Do you:

Jump up out of bed and escape? Turn to page 252
Jump up and attack the woman? Turn to page 622
Greet the woman? Turn to page 864
Pretend to be asleep? Turn to page 216
Usurper MrTeapot
*Turns to page 252*

With a cry of "arrrrrgghhhh" you leap out of bed feeling strangely unclean, she is fast and manages to swip 1gp from you're wallet before you can grab your miniskirt back.

You have lost 1gp.

To hastilly get dressed and talk to her turn to 864.

To run away turn to page 223.

To calm your nerves and return to bed turn to page 121.
El Nino
*turns to page 864*

Before you can say anything she groans and explodes in a shower of dust then a second arrow flies straight into your forehead

You're dead
Usurper MrTeapot
*blows up Because I Can with an Atom Bomb*
Is that part of the story? tongue.gif

*turns to page 223*

Noticing the woman in the bed has the fangs of a vampire you flee for your life out the door. The door slams shut behind you and after running down the corridor you find yourself at a T-junction.

Do you head left up the shadowy corridor? Turn to 14.

Do you head right through the cobwebby corridor? Turn to 54.
*to 54 we go*

Batting away the cobwebs you knock down a small leather pouch and trip on a loose stone on the unsteady ground.

*turn to page 253 to pick up the pouch*
*turn to page 122 to lift up the loose stone*
*turn to page 217 to screw it all and keep walking*
*turns to page 253*

In the pouch are some gold coins, a penknife and a smalll photograph/

Add 5gp, a penknife and a photograph to your inventory.

To examine the photograph turn to page 281.

To lift up the loose stone turn to page 122.

To carry on walking turn to page 217.
*turns to page 122*

Underneath the stone is a long narrow hole only large enough to fit your arm. While pondering on what to do next, you hear the shrill laughter of the vampiress you left in the other room. You must decide what to do and quick!

To stick your arm down the hole to investigate turn to page 123.

To turn around and run down the shadowy corridor turn to page 14.

To continue through the cobwebs turn to page 451.
*turns to 123*
You feel a sharp pain on your index finger. YOu pull your hand out to find your hand covered in a green gooey liqud. YOu then feel like crap as you are transformed into some really weird gooey glob thing! Turns out there was a label on the rock that says: Warning: will reconfigure DNA. No way to turn back. Oh crap.

To slop around, screaming, go to page 124.
To just slop around as far as you can, press 125.
To go shopping at Kohl's for some new slacks and XXXL boxers, go to 129.
Usurper MrTeapot
*turns to page go to 129*

Magically your new pair of XXXL Boxers gives you the shape shift ability and you can now shape shift into a human being again.

To continue prancing about in your underwear turn to page 111.

To investigate the vamparic screams turn to page 222.

Or to go find yourself a shape shifting underwear mate turn to page 321
*flips to 111*

You dance and frolic with your re-gained human-ness, as the vampiric screams grow quickly snap out of your toxic-sludge-enduced euphoria, and you decide that an action must be taken. You stomp down on the ground and break the arm-width hole open larger...but then you turn and see that the vampire is closing in fast!

To flee and hope the toxic mote slows the vampire down, turn to page 3

To try and use the penknife to defend yourself from the vampire, turn to game 485

To try and trip the vampire into the toxic sludge, turn to page 59
*Flips to pg 59*

You try to trip the vampire, when, oh, no! Everything turns cartoony and gets cheesy sound effects. You cringe at the " Whoop-whoop-whoop-whiddip-wheeew! Splat" sound as the vampire goes crashing into the radioactive junk.(Things look normal again) It turns into a blue key and floats over to you. Also it sparkles. A ominous (and quite large) blue door pops out of the ground.

To continue your prancing, go to page 60
To shoot a game of craps at the local Harrah's go to page 63.
To open the blue door, go to page 67.
*turns to page 67*

You try the key in the blue door and suprise suprise, it opens.

Stepping through the door you are confronted with nothing.

Oh dear, you have been sucked into an empty dimension that was going spare.

You die a horrible vacuumy death, that'll learn ya.
dancing hamster guy
instead went to page 60

whilst prancing you come across a hamster muttering to itself

to behead the hamster turn to page 934
to talk to the hamster turn to page 948
Turns to page 948 (coz I'm nice tongue.gif)

You talk to the hamster. Unfortunately, the hamster can only reply in a series of squeaks that you don't understand. Suddenly, he runs off, stops and look round. Its almost like he wants you to follow him.

To follow the hamster turn to page 935
To stamp on the hamster and kill it because you think it's annoying, turn to page 629.
*Turns to 629*
You stomp out the little annoying hampster because it's annoying.
Turns out it was a reincarnation of the Kaiser Wilhelm anyways.
A map falls out of his spiked helmet. And a miniature unicycle.

To eat chocolate-dipped pants, turn to page 951.
To turn in they blue key for some coins, turn to page 967.
To dress up as Napoleon and follow the map hidden inside the hamster's pith helmet, turn to page 1,000.
*turns to 1000*

You look at the map after pulling up the Napoleon garb.
(The map depicts a ballroom with a large staircase floating over a lava moat.)
"Greee-aat", you sigh as you lean dissapointed against the stonewall. But as you lean back the wall swings round and you are suddenly very hot because you are wisked to a parallel dimension, now standing on a cliff near a volcano surrounded by the lava moat. How ironic.

*to use Napoleon's sword to catapult down the side of the cliff turn to page 7*

*to use Napoleon's hat as a parachute and glide to the next ledge below turn to page 800*

*to throw the blue key into the lava turn to page 66*
*turns to page 800*

the hat provides just enough resistance for you to land safely on your feet on the next ledge. You can feel the heat from the lava scorching your face. You turn around and see a small hole. Inside you can see a little booklet.

*To Continue down the cliff with Napoleon's Hate turn to page 42*

*To reach inside the hole and retrieve the booklet turn to page 904*
*turns to page 904*
as you reach your hand into the hole something bites you.
you jump backwards in suprise and, since your on a ledge, fall into the lava.
ha ha your dead.
*Backtracks, turns to 42*

You continue down the sheer cliff edge with the hat, then eventually fly above a large A/C vent shooting out of the lava. It carries you up and all the way to the other side of the lava pit. You have a little too much forward momentum as you land and you trip on yourself and stumble forward. As you stand up and brush yourself off, you read the sign in horror:

Welcome to Waterloo!


*To turn back time, assassinate Napoleon and take his place to conquer Waterloo, turn the page to 43.*

*To take a cab to the next town over, avoiding any lava rivers, turn to page 56.*
*Turns to page 56*

You hop in a cab, and are on your way to the nearest town OTHER than waterloo. But this is no ordinary cab.... in the rear view mirror you get a good look at the driver, and he's some kind of crazy alien lizard!!!(?)

*To hop out of the cab while you can, turn to page 209*

*To ask him the fare, turn to page 498*

*To pretend you didn't see anything, turn to page 58*
*turns to page 58*

you try to pretend not to have seen anything. the lizard stop in the next town and lets you get out.
*to run without paying turn to page 455*
*to attack turn to page 234*
*to eat a bowl of spaggeti turn to page 980*
*to see what town your in turn to page 45676*
*Turns to 45676*

It is an atlas. You are iiiiin... Errrr... I dunno... Cheeseland. With lots and lots of cheese. But no rats.

*Turns to page 980*

You eat a bowl of spaghetti, then finish it off with an exact replica of a bowl of spaghetti made of cheese. You think to yourself, * In France, the pronounce it as Chiss *

*To use a cheese RPG on the taxi, still stalking you, torn to 4567.*

*To just eat a nearby bench or bus sign, turn to 4569 or 4800, respectively.*
*TORNS to page 4567*
whoops... you ripped the page out, and all of the charactures flal out of the book and die. nice job, bozo. biggrin.gif

Usurper MrTeapot
*turns to page 4800*

You eat the bus sign and get indigestion, a local drunkard helps you out my pointing down a dark alleyway you can co releive yourself in and asks if he can follow.

To follow him down the alleyway turn to page 312.

To not trust him and run away to the shop to get pills turn to page 213.
*Turns to 312*

Well turns out that there was a secret "Lavatory Emporium" warehouse in the alleyway. Most of the models are available for a test drive, and you choose one most suitable for your home in midwest America, seeing as it's in cruddy shape.
The drunkard happens to work there dressing up as the store's mascot, "Drinky Winky the hobo."

*To buy the bathroom set, turn to 320.*

*To leave, turn to 330*
depressed lonely crazy person
turns to page 330*

and run right back into * dum dum dum* the lizard man

to explain you have no money turn to 732*
to claim to be the heir of a 9 digit fortune turn to 745*
to run like a lizard man is after you turn to 689*
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