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The Other Side forums - suitable for mature readers! _ Daily life _ Break up and rebound

Posted by: craziness Jan 27 2010, 07:29 AM

Hi guys.

I guess some of you already know this, but I just broke up with my boyfriend of a year and a half. We started dating when I first got to college/uni... he pounced on me the minute we met so I never got a chance to date anyone else here. Many months later, I found myself unhappy in the relationship. Although he was a really sweet guy, he has a lot of identity issues to work out and I felt extremely trapped. The break up was difficult, since we were extremely close and relied on one another for support constantly. We kind of eased out of the relationship by first going on a break until I decided to really end it.

Anyway, so where does that leave me now? I want to remain single and free of commitments, but I'm feeling super lonely... and my hormones are all over the place... I check out every guy that walks by. In retrospect I realize my sexual relationship with my ex had been pretty much non existent for the past 6-8 months, which was kind of both of our faults... but now I want to pounce on every half way attractive guy I see. It's kind of a problem.

In the past 3 weeks, I've gone out a ton, met lots of new people and kissed a couple of different guys, but it hasn't gone much further than that. I have been talking to one of them on and off for the past week or so, but I really don't feel like getting emotionally involved with him and playing the dating game is pretty annoying for me. I have a very aggressive attitude towards men and I pretty much go after what I want, so I feel like I should just call this new guy whenever I feel the need. However, I think he might have either a) given up on me due to him embarrassing himself in front of me this past weekend, b ) started developing a crush on me so he is trying to slow things down or c) doesn't want to be my 'rebound guy'.

so I guess I am just wondering what you all think of this situation... I am trying to avoid falling into a really bad cycle or completely ruining my reputation, but I am rather impatient. yes, I know you're thinking "why doesn't she just invest in a vibrator" but what i am really craving is attention from another person so that wouldn't really do the trick.

Thanks for your advice and I'm sorry for this long-winded and self-absorbed post

Posted by: Sir Psycho Sexy Jan 31 2010, 09:27 AM

*tuts* Why has no one replied to this yet? Shame on you all!

Okay, I'm actually not going to be any help at all here, I'm bad at advice. But I'd say you're really going about it in the right way. Go out, have fun, make friends and all that jazz. Don't go from one guy to the next, I've watched a friend do something similar and it's just not pretty.

Incidentally, are you studying in New Orleans? Where abouts? I have a friend who's just moved out there to study at one of the colleges out there...I think she said there's more than one? Small world, huh?

Posted by: Mata Feb 1 2010, 01:58 PM

It sounds a little similar to a situation I got into a university, where I had a very intense 18 month relationship, then it ended and I knew almost no-one. The different bit is that you're successfully finding new people to hang out with, but my worry might be that this is because you're female and (by the sound of things) actively looking for a physical relationship, possibly with no strings attached. That attitude can attract a lot of people, but most of them probably aren't going to necessarily satisfy your longing for genuine attention... Though physical attention is undeniably very nice too!

As difficult as it might be, it sounds like you need a breather from relationships. If you crave one so badly then that sounds like you need to work out who you are when you're not in a relationship. By that I mean that perhaps you should work out how to be happy by yourself first before you go back to being with someone else. From what you've said it could be that you are very much on the rebound, and going rebounding as fast as you can into the next guy you can find. That's likely to not be great for you, and if he turns out to be a really great guy then you might mess it up by not being fully settled in what you want.

Sorry, it's a bit hard to explain, but it sounds like maybe you need to slow down, work out who you are, and when that's sorted you should go back to dating. I know it's really hard, and loneliness can be terrible, but when you're happy in yourself you won't feel lonely in that way any more, you really won't. Then you'll be ready for dating and you'll be a better person to date too.

Then again, you could just completely go for it and see where it goes. Just make sure you always use condoms and have lots of safe fun!

Posted by: craziness Feb 4 2010, 06:46 AM

Thank you guys so much for responding. I have been trying to deal with things without going too crazy, but my main issue is that I'm awful at controlling my impulses. really awful. but don't worry mata, i am always safe!! i am attempting not to go from one guy to the next, i have been talking to this guy who i mentioned in my last post and we have had a couple of encounters... however he is really busy with school and i am not patient enough to wait around for him to decide to call me, so he probably thinks im a nutcase... i like to be serially monogamous so i dont want to pursue anyone else unless i am sure this guy wont work out, and also as SPS pointed out i dont want to jump from guy to guy. grr. frustration!

Posted by: Mata Feb 7 2010, 03:45 PM

It is tricky, that early relationship bit. I've been doing that with my new girlfriend. I think we're both very keen to spend loads of time together but we're both being careful about scaring the other person off by sounding too keen. I've been finding that if I just be as open as possible about how I'm feeling that it seems to work out okay. I guess if she wasn't receptive to that then maybe she wouldn't be right for me.

Posted by: Pixiegoth Feb 7 2010, 05:01 PM

Firstly sorry I haven't responded. I read this while I was out with Pat and said to him I intended to respond as I've been there. So soz smile.gif It sucks that you guys had to split but it sounds like you did the right thing however hard it was. It's never easy to see that when it's hard to break up but with hindsight I'm sure you will...sorry if that sounds patronising....just been there and know smile.gif

I know EXACTLY how you feel about being lonely and hormonal but wanting to be free and single. I've felt like that for a while. I'm loving the single lifestyle and don't want to get involved or 'settle'with someone just because I am lonely. I can't say my libido is as active as yours but I have my moments....maybe I'm just old! laugh.gif It is perfectly normal, in my opinion, to be horny when you're like this as you may associate sex with attachment and emotions as I know I do. Not sure if you do but that may be the case? unsure.gif

If you don't want to get involved with someone right now then perhaps you shouldn't which is totally easier said than done I know. Especially if you are feeling lonely. If you want an opinion then I'd give this other guy some breathing space to help both of you figure out what you need to do and avoid the whole rebound thing.

And I certainly do not think you should just go and buy a vibrator as that wouldn't solve the emotional issues which you are so clearly struggling with and for that *hugs* to you. Vibrators however are good for a quick fix but won't solve the 'emotional' side of sex which I know I crave.

Now apologies if any of that is patronising or unhelpful or both smile.gif I'm sure things will work out for the best. Take it from someone who has been there and I know you probably would just say "pfftttt" to that but hey you are allowed to feel like poop every now and then if that helps and if it doesn't "rather light a candle than complain about the dark" (i.e. do something about it) which you are by asking for help smile.gif

Posted by: craziness Feb 10 2010, 01:43 AM

hmm, things seem to be working out more nicely with this boy now, we have agreed that we can be "seeing each other" without being "in a relationship" at this point. I feel a lot better because I feel like I'm not rushing into anything but I am still getting what I want and having some time to myself.

Posted by: Mata Feb 10 2010, 01:36 PM

That's the best way to be - getting what you want but still being yourself. I'm glad it's working out for you.

Posted by: Silver Star Angel of Da Towers Feb 16 2010, 01:47 AM

The most that I can advise you to do is wait. Chances are, you might be thinking with a slightly cloudy head. Though it may not seem that way right now, it might show up later in the partnership. I found this out the hard way. D:

Posted by: craziness Mar 15 2010, 04:30 AM

Hi!! Interesting how quickly things change. About a week after I posted about how nicely things were working out with said boy, he decided to break it off because of his own issues. It was frustrating, but I know it wasn't my fault, and it was probably for the best that I didn't end up in a relationship that soon after having just gotten out of one. My ex and I remain on pretty good terms, but things can be awkward from time to time. The worst thing is that I don't think he is quite over me yet, I can tell that a part of him is still wondering if he could somehow win me back or that one day we will end up together again.

Since then I have been trying to put myself out there as much as possible, which can be aggravating, especially since I am very friendly and open, and I love to talk, so a lot of times people get the wrong idea about me since I'm so enthusiastic. I have had my eye on another boy for a couple of weeks, and I got the nerve to ask him to lunch last week. We had lunch Friday, and it seemed like it went well, but it was unclear whether or not he was interested in more. At the end of the date, he said he had fun and he was sure we would see each other... but didn't ask me to hang out again or anything, so now I am just playing the waiting game and trying to focus on school a little bit. I will be going home for spring break in about 10 days so that will also be a great way for me to get away from this whole crazy social/dating scene for a little bit.

Also thank you to SPS, Pixie, Mata and SSA for responding. I really appreciate and take into consideration what you all have to say.

Posted by: Mata Mar 15 2010, 10:21 AM

Definitely try and take a break from it over the holiday. It sounds more and more like that would be useful for you!

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