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> Ask Jonman, The Agony Uncle's Agony Uncle
Jonman
post Apr 10 2003, 07:36 PM
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Fire away with your personal, financial, spiritual and professional dilemmas.

Jonman will solve all your problems, guaranteed.


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craziness
post Apr 10 2003, 07:38 PM
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crazi
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first of all jonman, lmao.
here is my first question:
how do i get my mother to stop obsessivly cleaning without having to kill her or clean myself?
what the hell is wrong with my brother?
why does the damn kid i am going to babysit later not eat? and why does he ALWAYS watch the same episode of power rangers every day?


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SuperKathoid
post Apr 10 2003, 07:39 PM
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Dear Jonman;

I have a problem. I have fungus growing on my little sister. I think it may be just her face, but I'm not sure. How can I tell?

Sincerely,
Sister of a Fungus
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Jonman
post Apr 10 2003, 07:52 PM
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QUOTE (craziness @ Apr 10 2003, 07:38 PM)
first of all jonman, lmao.
here is my first question:
how do i get my mother to stop obsessivly cleaning without having to kill her or clean myself?
what the hell is wrong with my brother?
why does the damn kid i am going to babysit later not eat? and why does he ALWAYS watch the same episode of power rangers every day?

1: Unfortunately, the act of bearing children alters a women's body chemistry in subtle ways, resulting in the ability to cook, and the desire to clean. No scientific method has been found to reverse the process. Short of inventing a time machine, and going back to before your parents had children (which I don't recomend - you leave yourself open to a host of paradoxical nightmares. I mean, have you seen Back to the Future?), you options are limited to the following. A: chop off your mother's hands. It'll take her ages to learn to clean with her ears. B: attach tiny dusters to cockroaches legs, and set them free in your room. As they scurry around, your room will be passively cleaned. Try millipedes if the cockies don't work (more legs). C: hire a maid

2: Up until the age of 18, brothers are legally obligated to be a pain in the ass. By telling you this, I'm breaking the guy code, but my Agony Uncle status ought to hold up in court.

3: Is it the episode of Power Rangers that fires Kit Kats out of the screen and into the mouths of the viewers? That would explain the not eating (full of Kit-Kats already), and the re-watching of the same episode (you would, wouldn't you?)

Hope that helps.


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Jaq
post Apr 10 2003, 07:54 PM
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Dear Jonman:

My toenails are getting longish but I am too lazy to clip them. My question is this, if I cut my fingernails too short will this somehow cancel out my longish toenails?

Signed
Lazy


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Jonman
post Apr 10 2003, 07:55 PM
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QUOTE (SuperKathoid @ Apr 10 2003, 07:39 PM)
Dear Jonman;

I have a problem. I have fungus growing on my little sister. I think it may be just her face, but I'm not sure. How can I tell?

Sincerely,
Sister of a Fungus

Several options here:

1: Pour beer onto said fungus. If it runs off, it's face. If it's absorbed, it's fungus.

2: Place your sister with the fungus/face pointing away from the light. If it's fungus, it will migrate over a number of weeks towards the light, and end up on the back of the head, leaving the tell-tale nose uncovered so you can identify the face.

Hope that helps.


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Jonman
post Apr 10 2003, 07:59 PM
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QUOTE (Jaq @ Apr 10 2003, 07:54 PM)
Dear Jonman:

My toenails are getting longish but I am too lazy to clip them. My question is this, if I cut my fingernails too short will this somehow cancel out my longish toenails?

Signed
Lazy

My advice is not to cut them at all. Let them grow, and use a cunning system of rubber bands to shape them as they grow, so that they curve around under the foot. Apply furniture polish to the nails, and hey-presto! Permaskis!


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Sir Psycho Sexy
post Apr 10 2003, 08:01 PM
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Dear Jonman

My mum thinks i need a job to pay for my way through university, is this true?? if so where are the easiests jobs located? and which ones have the best perks?

Signed
Unemployed


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Jonman
post Apr 10 2003, 08:07 PM
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QUOTE (Sir_Psycho_Sexy @ Apr 10 2003, 08:01 PM)
Dear Jonman

My mum thinks i need a job to pay for my way through university, is this true?? if so where are the easiests jobs located? and which ones have the best perks?

Signed
Unemployed

Dear Unemployed

Job, despite it's appearance, is indeed a four letter word. It's the silent, invisible P that does it.

Back in my day, you could actually get paid for donating sperm at the sperm bank, which seemed to me to be a win-win situation for all concerned.

If that's not the case, extensive research has shown that the easiest jobs are located in Swindon.

As for perks, refuse any job that doesn't offer at-desk-massages. The employers are obviously taking the piss.

Failing all of that, just do what most other students do, and drink yourself into a pit of obesity and debt. It worked for me.


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ravein
post Apr 10 2003, 08:08 PM
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Dear Jonman,

Just wanted to say.. good job smile.gif

PS. How do you get rid of those pesky cockroaches after the room is clean???


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And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. -Anais Nin
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craziness
post Apr 10 2003, 08:09 PM
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dear jonman,
it is not that episode, but, how the hell do i get the little duck to eat??????
(i call children ducks)


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Jonman
post Apr 10 2003, 08:16 PM
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QUOTE (ravein @ Apr 10 2003, 08:08 PM)
Dear Jonman,

Just wanted to say.. good job smile.gif

PS. How do you get rid of those pesky cockroaches after the room is clean???

Thank-you. Appreciation is what makes Agony Uncling worthwhile.

I'm afraid you're missing the point with the cockies. You don't want to get rid of them, or your room starts getting dirty again. Keep a few knocking about (you'll have to scale the number based on the size of the room), in order to keep the room sparkly and dust free. Just don't forget to change the cockroach-foot-dusters every now and again. Otherwise all the cockies develop dust allergies and may strike.


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Jonman
post Apr 10 2003, 08:17 PM
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QUOTE (craziness @ Apr 10 2003, 08:09 PM)
dear jonman,
it is not that episode, but, how the hell do i get the little duck to eat??????
(i call children ducks)

Try not calling the child a duck. It's no doubt confusing the poor blighter so much that he/she's unable to eat due to confusion as to what he/she SHOULD be eating as a human-shaped duck.

Or keep calling him/her a duck, and put some pond scum in a dish. That'll work equally well.


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craziness
post Apr 10 2003, 08:19 PM
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crazi
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i didnt actually call him a duck to his face....yet.......
i refer to him as a duck when he isnt here. anyways, how do i get the damn thing to consume?


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Sir Psycho Sexy
post Apr 10 2003, 08:19 PM
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Dear Jonman

I've just finished the bottle of vodka i was drinking, is toilet duck and acceptable substitute?

Signed
Not nearly drunk enough


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Jonman
post Apr 10 2003, 08:21 PM
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QUOTE (craziness @ Apr 10 2003, 08:19 PM)
i didnt actually call him a duck to his face....yet.......
i refer to him as a duck when he isnt here. anyways, how do i get the damn thing to consume?

As a last resort, use a combination of tickling with feathers, and a funnel.


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Jonman
post Apr 10 2003, 08:25 PM
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QUOTE (Sir_Psycho_Sexy @ Apr 10 2003, 08:19 PM)
Dear Jonman

I've just finished the bottle of vodka i was drinking, is toilet duck and acceptable substitute?

Signed
Not nearly drunk enough

Dear Not nearly drunk enough.

Toilet duck is only an acceptable solution to be drunk when prepared by a master Tibetan cocktail chef. It takes years of training by Tibetan monks to learn how to artfully blend toilet duck, alcohol and other household cleansers into refreshing beverages. So, unless you happen to have a friend or relative called Hap Jeet Dang, or something similar, no, it's not an acceptable substitute. Makes your farts smell nice though.

I also need to know what you're not drunk enough FOR in order to suggest a further course of action.


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Jonman
post Apr 10 2003, 08:25 PM
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Jonman is off to the post office for a bit, but will resume solving all of life's niggles on his return.

Thank you for your attention.


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gerbilfromhell
post Apr 10 2003, 10:09 PM
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how is it possible that george bush is president of the usa and that he hasn't been smote yet?
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Jonman
post Apr 10 2003, 10:14 PM
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QUOTE (gerbilfromhell @ Apr 10 2003, 10:09 PM)
how is it possible that george bush is president of the usa and that he hasn't been smote yet?

Good question, but with a quite simple answer.

Monkeys, as we all know, are a cut above the rest of the animal kingdom, and it's their divine perogative as such that they are immune to smitings and being smote.

Bush has capitalised on this (taking inspiration from Michael Jackson), by having extensive cosmetic surgery, using skin grafted from baboon's buttocks to monkify his face.


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ravein
post Apr 10 2003, 10:16 PM
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QUOTE (Jonman @ Apr 10 2003, 10:14 PM)
QUOTE (gerbilfromhell @ Apr 10 2003, 10:09 PM)
how is it possible that george bush is president of the usa and that he hasn't been smote yet?

Good question, but with a quite simple answer.

Monkeys, as we all know, are a cut above the rest of the animal kingdom, and it's their divine perogative as such that they are immune to smitings and being smote.

Bush has capitalised on this (taking inspiration from Michael Jackson), by having extensive cosmetic surgery, using skin grafted from baboon's buttocks to monkify his face.

(NICE---Very good.. much proud of the jonman biggrin.gif )


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"When women act like women, they are accused of being inferior. When women act like human beings, they are accused of behaving like men." —Simone de Beauvoir
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. -Anais Nin
No matter that patriotism is too often the refuge of scoundrels. Dissent, rebellion, and all-around hell-raising remain the true duty of patriots. -Barbara Ehrenreich

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NummyNums
post Apr 10 2003, 10:42 PM
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dear jonman-
well of course the biggest question in the world is if a cat lands on its feet and jelly bread always lands jellys side down well if you tie jelly bread to the back of a cat with the jelly side facing up and ush it off a building how will it land?
sighned
very confused about jellied pussys blink.gif


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Jonman
post Apr 10 2003, 10:54 PM
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QUOTE (NummyNums @ Apr 10 2003, 10:42 PM)
dear jonman-
well of course the biggest question in the world is if a cat lands on its feet and jelly bread always lands jellys side down well if you tie jelly bread to the back of a cat with the jelly side facing up and ush it off a building how will it land?
sighned
very confused about jellied pussys blink.gif

Dear very confused about jellied pussies.

Once I got over my own confusion at the concept of jellied pussies, which sounded like an East End snack mixed with some very dodgy porn, the answer to your question was obvious to my awesome intellect and katana-sharp wit.

What you've actually described the only feasible method of achieving anti-gravity, or levitation, if you will. The opposing forces of cat-landing-on-feet, and toast-landing-on-jelly (or jam, for all you UK folk recoiling in horror at the thought of jelly on toast (US jelly = UK jam, UK jelly = US jello, just in case you were wondering) counteract each other perfectly, as both are universal absolutes that cannot be breached. A bit like the speed of light, but stickier, or furrier.

Interestingly enough, I'm currently developing my own A-G vehicle based on this phenomenom, which consists of between 20 and 100 (depending on the number of passengers) cats with jellied toast attached to their backs tied to a Robin Reliant. The trick is in the mechanism that allows you to detach and reattach the jellied toast from any number of cats at any time (a VERY complicated systemof rubber bands, pulleys, and of course, gaffer tape). By controlling the number of cats that have the jelly effect on them, you can control the rate of climb/descent.

I'm also developing in parallel a new type of catfood that results in chronic kitty flatulence in order to allow forward thrust to be generated as well.

It's going to revolutionise the world, I tells ya.


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NummyNums
post Apr 10 2003, 10:55 PM
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*scratches chin* interesting.. very interesting


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Me and logic are e-engaged woot woot.. *mwuah* luv yah babe
No one will ever love cheese as much as i do.. always and forever...
Commies my husband.... whuts it to yah huh? hehehe *hugglez commie*
my boobs are named Aidan and Nadia.. wes owns them now, he also owns me we are engaged and i love him and sex him with all my heart and umm.... soul.. hehehe

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MistressAlti
post Apr 11 2003, 04:21 AM
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Dear Jonman:

I need more people willing to write something for the fan site, do you know anyone who'd like to solve problems as their personal page on the site? wink.gif
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