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MistressAlti
post Apr 12 2005, 05:05 AM
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I had a pretty big revelation tonight.

Backstory: Recently I signed a lease for my first house in the city that I go to university in, which I'll be sharing with a longtime friend and my lovely boyfriend. My mother called tonight, and, upon telling her about my new living arrangements, told me that I shouldn't bother going back to my home state for the summer, since I'll be paying rent I might as well stay here and find a job locally. Then there was all this discussion about moving my stuff here, and finding furniture, and renter's insurance, and all sorts of things I never foresaw myself actually doing.

I guess I really am an adult now, in every sense of the word. I lose teenage status in August (I turn 20). I have my own place that I'm paying for. I pay for my own school and will have my own job again come summer. I have my own life, friends, responsibilities, credit cards, bills, what-have-you.

It's a neat feeling, but at the same time a really sad one. I cried after I got off the phone with Mom because it hit me that I wasn't a little girl anymore and I really was on my own. sad.gif It's odd, because I looked forward to this moment for so long, and it's almost bittersweet now that I've finally arrived. Exciting, but sad.

Anyway. Adults, when did it first hit you that you weren't a kid anymore? Teenagers, what are the things that you most want to do when you become adults?
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Jaq
post Apr 12 2005, 05:42 AM
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I'm not sure when I first realized that I was an adult. When I was a teenager, all I wanted to do was grow up as fast as I could and not need anyone. I had a number of small revelations that led me away from being a kid and into adulthood. Moving away from home, getting my first car that I paid for with my own money, living on my own, convocating from university... I suppose the last in a line of them was when I decided that I was going to teach overseas, applied and accepted a job in Seoul and didn't even think of asking permission from anyone to move half way around the world because I knew that I didn't need or want permission. It was nice to have support from my parents because they had more experience with what to do to prepare for moving and the like, but when I told them that I was leaving for the year, it was exactly that; telling and not asking.

It was a very nice feeling


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Faerieryn
post Apr 12 2005, 07:03 AM
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I know that feeling. The reaslisation kinda hit me when I left my first year at university when I moved out of my room in halls and into a flat with my friends. There is an even worse feeling though, having to move BACK in with your parents after three years of living away!!!

P.S I may be an adult but I will never be a grown up!


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beleraphon
post Apr 12 2005, 07:29 AM
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getting a morgage was a big clue!


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Forever Unknown
post Apr 12 2005, 07:41 AM
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Heh.

I don't think I've managed being a grown-up yet. Being a grown-up brings responsibility and scariness. And my job is extraordinarily grown-up, so all times I'm not in the office I think I regress five years.

But. Um. Case in point: Recently mah boy suggested we should do the grown-up relationship thing, which seems to entail going to dinner and doing stuff. Which is lovely, obviously, except I've never done that before and my head's gone "Ooh! Ice cream! Zoo!!" or something and then realises that's silly and scrabbles around for ideas that seem grown-up. I've come up with nothing.

Yeah. I'm not cut out for adulthood.


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Phyllis
post Apr 12 2005, 08:07 AM
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QUOTE (Faerieryn @ Apr 12 2005, 12:03 AM)
There is an even worse feeling though, having to move BACK in with your parents after three years of living away!!!
*

Definitely. That is a horrid feeling. Although had I not gotten the incredibly irresponsible idea of going to the UK for the summer, I probably wouldn't still be in that situation, so I can't complain. biggrin.gif

Hmm. I think the first time I ever felt like an adult was when I moved to NYC. I cried off and on most of the bus ride there...partially due to sleep deprivation (3 days on a bus!) and partially due to being completely scared about being 3,000 miles away from my parents when I'd only ever been away from home for one week before then. I subsequently felt like a child again _both_ times I came running back home...though my parents have never treated me like one.

If it's possible, I think I was a grown up for about 4 years, but have sort of given it up (though not completely). Now I'm doing things I missed out on by trying to do too much adult stuff too soon when I was younger. Does that make any sense at all? blink.gif


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Jonman
post Apr 12 2005, 09:12 AM
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There's been loads of incremental steps to adulthood along the way. I'm not absolutely sure that I'm there yet (no mortgage or kids yet).

Here's some of them (in more or less chronological order):

Popping the cherry
Getting first paycheck for full-time work in school holidays
Legally drinking in a pub
Renting my first house (at uni)
Moving in with girlfriend
Buying a car
Getting first paycheck in a 'proper' job

Then the big ones started...
Wearing a suit and carrying a breifcase to work.
Getting sent on overseas business trips.

Then they got bigger....
Re-locating overseas for work
Buying a big sparkly engagement ring, and the subsequent proposal and marriage.

One of the defining moments, I remember quite clearly, was when I was working out in the middle of the desert in California for a few months. The silly fools at the rental desk at the airport had given me a convertible Mustang to bez about in the desert in. I proceded to pull handbrake turns at every available opportunity, as is good and right. Anyway, I drove to Vegas one bored weekend. Whizzing through the Nevada desert in blazing sunlight at 100+ mph with the top down was a real "bloody hell, I'm in a foreign country - I must be a grown-up" moment.

There's still more to come, as I mentioned: buying a house and 'settling down' (which we're working on), and of course, having our first kid, which we're most definitely not working on yet, although I like to think we're practicising.

.....

Get your minds out of the gutter - I was talking about parenting our ferrets.....


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Polocrunch
post Apr 12 2005, 11:26 AM
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QUOTE (Jonman @ Apr 12 2005, 09:12 AM)
There's still more to come, as I mentioned: buying a house and 'settling down' (which we're working on), and of course, having our first kid, which we're most definitely not working on yet, although I like to think we're practicising.
*


You make sure you keep good and limber, right? I mean, ferrets are hard to catch. And remember: practice makes perfect. After all, it takes a long time to become a good ferret parent. And make sure you have lots of sex too, it's good for your health and eventually makes babies.


So far I have made the following steps towards adulthood:

Walking to school on my own - this was a big achievement when I was nine, so don't knock it
Buying something without my parents present
Going to school on the bus alone
Going to London without parents
Talking to teachers as if they were my equals (didn't get away with it for the first few years; still don't really get away with it with my parents tongue.gif)
Learning to drive
Getting pissed
Getting high
Not being IDed at a liquor store
Growing a rubbish beard
"Popping the cherry", as Jonman put it (what do cherries have to do with sex, by the way?)
Proving myself better at dealing with telephone salespeople than my parents (I am the King of Reverse-Telephony!)
Getting a part-time job (admittedly only for a few months, but still)
Going on holiday without parents or teachers

And things yet to do:

Move out of the house
Get a full-time job
Fall in love
Learn to manage my own finances (I honestly don't know where my money is or how much I have)
Buy anything significant with money that I have earned
Set up a business (maybe never)
Move in with someone
Marry someone (probably pending a change in the law)
Start a pension fund
Start saving to have my brain frozen (no kidding; I plan on living for hundreds of years)
Overthrow a government - preferably a dictatorship
Ascend to the right hand of Ganesh
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Pixelgoth
post Apr 12 2005, 11:57 AM
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The first time I felt like an adult was when I went to University. I was in the car with Mum and a friend and half my life (it was only a Fiat Panda so it was quite cramped biggrin.gif) and I was on the M6. Just as we got to the turn off I realised I was growing up, leaving home and would never go back (except for holidays and even then under duress!). I never looked back. I got a job in Birmingham when I finished Uni, moved in with my then boyfriend in Sheffield a year later and the rest, as they say is history.

If anything I've taken a step backwards recently as I complete on the sale of my flat (which I've had a mortgage on for 3 years) and become a renter again. Albeit it with Ed and in a lurv pad in Warrington. My only asset now is my car! biggrin.gif Oh yes and the fat cheque I'll get for the profit made on the flat wink.gif

I still feel young and carefree and always will. I realise I have responsiblities but that doesn't always stop me being a big kid. I'm going to Florida this year to make myself sick on the Hulk Coaster laugh.gif


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Snugglebum the D...
post Apr 12 2005, 12:12 PM
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It's hard to say when I felt like an adult actually - I hit a lot the milestones people have mentioned pretty early on.

I would have to say when I moved out from my parents. I was nineteen and I actually did it for a tattoo and a bloke. biggrin.gif 'Tis a very long story but the upshot is me and my Father weren't getting on.

When I had to deal with my finances and manage my time myself, that's when I felt all grown up. Luckily for me, my Dad made sure that I knew the value of money whilst growing up so I didn't get myself into too many stupid finacial binds.


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Novander
post Apr 12 2005, 12:44 PM
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Gah, don't scare me like that. I also turn 20 in August, and was also considering getting a job here (uni) over the summer rather than going home. But I refuse to consider myself an adult until I've finished uni and got a real job.

I'm a sort of immature/grumpy-old-man hybrid anyway, so I guess it balances out as adult. Damn.


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froggle-rock
post Apr 12 2005, 01:46 PM
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QUOTE (Faerieryn @ Apr 12 2005, 12:03 AM)
There is an even worse feeling though, having to move BACK in with your parents after three years of living away!!!
*


I didn't go to uni, but I did move out when I was fairly young (17). And to honest with you I grew up, and my mother saw me growin up, albeit from a distance. So when I did move back home a few years later, it was as if both she and I knew that I had taken on my own responsibilities. We don't argue. It's more of a case that my mum knows I know I have responsibilities, and should negelct them then I know she knows I know it will come back on me. I love living with my family, I love them soo much, I never realised just how important a part of my life they were untill I wasn't sitting down to dinner with them every night.

At first I wasn't looking forward to moving back, but as soon as I did I felt really good about it.

QUOTE (candice @ Apr 12 2005, 09:07 AM)
Now I'm doing things I missed out on by trying to do too much adult stuff too soon when I was younger.  Does that make any sense at all?  blink.gif
*


That makes total sense. When I moved out I was 'Adult Froggy', or at least I tried to be. I didn't get up to nearly as much teenage stuff as others. Although I don't really miss not doing the 'drinking Diamond White' in the park thing wink.gif


QUOTE (Polocrunch @ Apr 12 2005, 12:26 PM)
And things yet to do:
Start a pension fund
*


I started paying into a pension about a year and a half ago, and it was prolly one of the biggest things (aside from those emotionaly) that made me think 'Feck, this is a *real* adult thing to do. Getting a mobile phone contract was scary adult stuff. Applying for an overdraft was scary adult stuff too.


QUOTE (Snugglebum the Destroyer @ Apr 12 2005, 01:12 PM)
When I had to deal with my finances and manage my time myself, that's when I felt all grown up. 
*


I kinda agree, when I was doing 'big' stuff, I felt bigger. In answer to your question Missy: I don't think adult hood just came upon me one day, but that it's been more of a continuous process. From when it started, I have't the foggiest. I just know that I've changed, oh and I think that my hormones settling down after puberty was probably a big part too *pouts*

I think there is definatly a differance between the things a person does that are grown up, ie moving out & the domestics entailed, working part time whilst at college, having a 'proper' partner. And when a person starts to loose their, I guess naivety. I guess I'm trying to say along the innocence/ experiance ignorance is bliss thing. I don't begrudge people my age who are still quite naieve (I know in certain aspects of my life I certainly am), because I still wish I could be.

Being an adult is a bit scary, but the sense of liberty I feel is soo worth it. smile.gif


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Faerieryn
post Apr 12 2005, 02:55 PM
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One of the biggest things that I can remember thinking "Cripes I'm an adult!" Was my first day at my proper career job rather than just my sainsbury's job. Also going to work in a suit was proper scary. Pensions etc I agree with too- v scary as was when I found out I got my mortgage approved (sorry REALLY REALLY bouncing off walls at the moment) makes me feel... like a big person!


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Calantyr
post Apr 12 2005, 04:04 PM
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I suppose when I moved away to uni at Teesside. I had to deal with everything on my own. Had success, to one degree or another...

Managing my own finances, not having to answer to anyone but myself, looking after myself in a strange place hundreds of miles from home...

I moved back to live with my parents after a while and I miss the freedom. However it means I get to be taken care of again, which is comforting in a way. So I know I am an adult... I'm just milking what I can out of my family smile.gif

The last real hurdle is to get a job. Trouble is no one will employ me. This worries me somewhat sad.gif


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Cath Sparrow
post Apr 12 2005, 07:01 PM
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Mum's pretty much treated me on a equal level since my early teens obviously to differnt degree as I got older so I never really had the Oh I'm grown up now feeling really. I think about the closest was when I moved away to Uni. She's never done the I need to know exactly where you are and the exactly when I'm coming back thing to me, As long as I gave her an idea of where I was and what day I'd be back. She's cool.
So from that point of view when I had to move back home it wasn't so bad.
Dad on the other hand treats me as if I'm 12 but usually if it's something that doesn't effect him mum help me gang up on him to tell he's being rediculous.


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Pab
post Apr 12 2005, 07:15 PM
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Getting busted on possession of narcotics in my early twenties .... you're on your own then ... no parents notes suffice ... in fact, they are the main victims cos you know why but they cant begin to imagine ... mmm real adulthood there ...

Even with fatherhood my main thought was "yay! somebody to play with!"

Otherwise I most certainly am not an adult. I'm just big boned ...


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CommieBastard
post Apr 12 2005, 09:28 PM
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This thread confuses me; I don't really understand MistressAlti's question.

QUOTE (Orson Scott Card)
Yet I knew - I knew - that this was one of the truest things about Ender's Game. In fact, I realized in retrospect that this may indeed be part of the reason why it was so important to me, there on the lawn in front of the Salt Palace, to write a story in which gifted children are trained to fight in adult wars. Because never in my entire childhood did I feel like a child. I felt like a person all along - the same person that I am today. I never felt that I spoke childishly. I never felt that my emotions and desires were somehow less real than adult emotions and desires. And in writing Ender's Game, I forced the audience to experience the lives of these children from that perspective - the perspective in which their feelings and decisions are just as real and important as any adult's.


That's how I feel, and so I really can't answer. Reading through this thread, a lot of people are making lists of odd milestones to which I can't really relate - they all seem to be just things, without significance beyond themselves. Polocrunch and Jonman especially because they actually did make lists, but everyone else too... once again, it seems people are speaking a different language.


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Polocrunch
post Apr 12 2005, 09:53 PM
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Poor old Commie, eh? Never really understands what other people are raving about. tongue.gif Not that it's a disability or something to be pitied, of course; it's merely a different way of viewing life.

So why do we take such note of these little events? I think that the importance of these milestones is that they mark a progression to self-dependence and freedom from parental control. That is the most obvious trend that occurs during our adolescence: the gradual move towards becoming a totally separate person, having been the charge and chattel of our parents for many years. A lot of people feel restricted at home, and many are not used to having to do things for themselves. Additionally, there's an exploration of our bodies, a pushing at the boundaries of our abilities, our desires and, ultimately, our mortality. Puberty marks this huge change in our bodies and our psychology, and our late teens finally give us a chance to take them for a ride and see what it feels like to maintain them.

And as for picking out specific dates? We may not have emotionally changed in a single step, but the novelty of these first experiences stick strongly in our memory, and by what else can should we mark our progress if not by incremental adjustments such as these?

EDIT: And I never felt like a child either, though in retrospect some of my behaviour was childish. I was quite adult, I think, and always scorned macho games and petty bickering. I played at escapism, just as I do now. Very little of my fundamental character has altered.
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CommieBastard
post Apr 12 2005, 10:01 PM
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But surely what you describe is an altering of the constraints on your person, rather than a substantive change in yourself?

I have done most of the things that you listed in your post as having done, and none of them seemed to have any special significance to me.


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Polocrunch
post Apr 12 2005, 10:35 PM
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A note to Commie: a lot of these experiences have forced me to evaluate what it is I want out of life. To that extent, they have all changed who I am through how I value things.

EDIT: should this now be moved to Issues?
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trunks_girl26
post Apr 13 2005, 12:16 AM
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QUOTE (CommieBastard @ Apr 12 2005, 09:28 PM)
QUOTE (Orson Scott Card)
Because never in my entire childhood did I feel like a child. I felt like a person all along - the same person that I am today. I never felt that I spoke childishly. I never felt that my emotions and desires were somehow less real than adult emotions and desires.


That's how I feel, and so I really can't answer. Reading through this thread, a lot of people are making lists of odd milestones to which I can't really relate - they all seem to be just things, without significance beyond themselves.
*



I'd have to agree with that bit of Orson's explaination. I never did feel like a child, and many people I know have even told me that I was 'mature' for my age. However, I don't see it like that. I've never been able to draw a line between 'child' and 'adult,' because I see living as merely gaining more experience and learning from that experience. And in that constant gaining of knowledge, there have been some that have altered my awareness of the world, but none that defined my leap into 'adulthood.'

Commie: To my thinking, you're not really suppossed to be able to necessarily relate to the other's milestones because they are relevant only to the past experiences of the individual. And the significance is not in the events themselves, but how they change our way of thinking about the world. Though I do believe Polo put it much more eloquently than I did.

So, what had a large impact on me? The first two great loves of my life, because they showed me the good and bad of sharing your life with another person. And learning how much my parents were in financial hardship, because that showed me that life can be hard, but happiness can still be found within it.


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post Apr 13 2005, 01:53 AM
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I remember feeling a strange bit of liberation while I was living with my sister. I had a car, a job and was helping my sister with rent and utilities (it really wasn't that much considering she has a nice-ass flat), saving my money, able to do my own thing, coming in late as Hell, living in a real city and just generally not dealing with any parental involvment in my life. After a series of bad events, I had to move back in and wow, what a difference. It wasn't even really that long, but it felt like I went back a year from big city and uni to the town I went to high school in (and a long-ass commute).

Getting arrested and institutionalized were sobering experiences. My folks couldn't bail me out; I had to sit and rot (and think about my Matazone family) overnight. It sucked.

When I hit 25, I can no longer be on my parents' health plan. That means I'll have to buy my own lithium, lamictil, adoxa and synthroid and pay for my own medicine management. That's a scary thought considering I'm qualified only for joe jobs that don't pay much.

Lord willing, I'll be moving into an apartment with my brother, his girlfriend and our mutual friend. Knowing my mother, she won't think we're ready to handle ourselves (and never will) even though our older sister had her own apartment at my brother's age.

I dunno. The last two years have been an astounding growing experience. I feel more like an adult in some ways than I did when I lived with my sister. It's like everything that's happened has hammered me into a better, more mature person.

I think I'll consider myself an adult when I'm lounging around on my own couch watching my own TV or listening to music on my own stereo than getting up to post on Matazone on my own computer. I'm not in any terrible hurry, though; one perk about living at home is that rent's free.

PS- How does losing "it" make you feel like an adult? I was struck with a feeling of, "Cool, dude," rather than, "I feel like an adult." Maybe it's just me.


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With every breath...and all that I am...I will make a stand...until the end.


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LoLo
post Apr 13 2005, 02:08 AM
Post #23


Kiefer > Jason
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I don't know if theres any real way that I could say makes me feel like an adult. I look back at different things and how I felt, and now they just don't seem as adult like and important as I thought back at the time.

When I was 15 I thought I was an adult the first time I smoked a ciggarette, drank alcohol, and touched a penis. Those are things adults do and therefore in my head I was an adult. I look back on it now and realize I was just a rebelious kid.

When I was 19 and I packed my van that I bought for 500 dollars off of my brother, full of my stuff and moved 3000 miles away from home to live with my now ex boyfriend and hopefully eventually go to school, I felt like an adult. I look back at it now and realize that I was just a kid who wanted to run away from home.

I felt less like an adult when I had to move back home at 21, but truth be told, when I look back at my life and the things I thought made me feel so grown up, I realize now that they were just things that happen, and the only thing that makes me feel more grown up is knowing that I am more mature than I was earlier in life.


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Being Pimped By Aries Since 2003
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Tigersong
post Apr 13 2005, 06:15 AM
Post #24


Rabid Saskatchewanian
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QUOTE
But surely what you describe is an altering of the constraints on your person, rather than a substantive change in yourself?


Sure, I grew up feeling like an adult since I was very young, because my parents treated me like an adult and didn't have many rules, at all, about what we could and could not do. At the same time, there were things that I was expected to do, and that established relationship made me into a child. When these important milestones in our lives were reached they weren't just changes in constraints, they ultimately helped shape and define who we were developing to be.

That being said, what were my milestones? Moving away from my hometown, of course, but more significantly than that was the realization that "going home" meant going to my apartment in my university's city and not back to my parent's house -- that, on the other hand, became a vacation. Another major changing point was getting complete financial freedom from my parents when I finally got my line of credit when I entered Dentistry. Prior to that, my schooling was being paid for by money my parents had saved up for me, scholarships, and out of my parent's pocket. Yet another major change was coming out to my parents as bi, despite the fact that they basically put their fingers in their ears and went LALALALALALA WE CAN'T HEAR YOU! It was a major change for me because I finally felt like I could be honest to myself and to others about who I was, and not just in terms of sexuality. A rather minor point was asking our respective parents if they would give their blessing on our marriage -- but a rather major point was proposing to and getting proposed to, in mutual agreement of our engagement. I imagine I'll feel most like an adult when I finally get this darn wedding thing over!


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At the Left Hand of God

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Dominating Aries, e-hubby, since 2004.
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Jonman
post Apr 13 2005, 11:29 AM
Post #25


Duck Hunter S Thompson
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QUOTE (CommieBastard @ Apr 12 2005, 10:01 PM)
But surely what you describe is an altering of the constraints on your person, rather than a substantive change in yourself?

I have done most of the things that you listed in your post as having done, and none of them seemed to have any special significance to me.
*


None of the things I listed marked a discrete change between states in my life. It's more that they're moments that provoke introspection, which reveals the gradual shifts that have gone on as time passes.

I (and we) are constantly in flux as people. Like a kid who's growing, you notice his growth the most when you don't see him for a couple of months. Same thing. I'm not a particulay introspective person by nature, so it often takes some kind of major event for me to look back at my life.


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Nearly two years in - about time for a new AV
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