Critiques Please!, A poem for school... Options

[Apollyon]

Hello, its me again with another poem. But this one's different, it has to be for school! *gasp* So before embarassing myself by reading it in class, I need help! Please, I want complete honesty! (PWM, you would be very useful here )
So anyways...

Daddy came home smelling funny tonight
The way he usually does before he gets in a fight
Mommy started crying and ran upstairs
Sobbing something about how nobody cares
I don’t know what’s happening to Dad
And I hate to see my mom so sad
***
I heard a noise and woke up in the night
In my mom’s room there was a light
I peeked through a notch in the door
Just in time to see Mommy hit the floor
It’s the fourth time it’s happened cause Daddy was high
All Mommy can do is just cry and cry
***
Daddy’s been gone for a few days now
But I don’t know to where or why or how
My auntie came over looking all sour
And her and Mommy sat and talked for an hour
Said something about “drunk driving” and “jail”
I’ve never seen Mommy looking so pale
***
This afternoon I came home from school
And I closed the door to shut out the cool
I heard quiet crying coming from upstairs
But it suddenly cut off like a paper tears
Mom hung from the rafters not touching the floor
But at least she’s not crying anymore


So, hopefully its not too horrible... help please!

[PsychWardMike]

It's going places and I like the last line, however there are a few issues that I'd like to address; I like some of it, but I think on the whole that it needs work.

Okay, one of the first and foremost rules of poetry: Never sacrifice reason for rhyme. Syllabic structure (read: rhythm) and the meaning to your words are much more important than having a rhyme scheme. Make sure your rhythm and word choice make sense and remember that you can always use relative rhyme instead of exact if you need to.

Secondly: your subject matter. Was this part of the assignment (actually, you might want to specify exactly what the assignment is for future reference) or is it something you're writing for yourself? I like the bit at the end, but I think that you need to define your speaker a little better, if at all possible - I get the impression that it's a younger kid, but I'm not quite sure and as it is the speaker's a bit vague. The bit about the aunt seems a tad bit like filler as well, but remember, it's what's important to you not to me.

So on the whole, I think that you have some good ideas and that if you were to read it aloud you wouldn't be embarassed, but there's room for improvement (of course, there's always room for improvement!)

Keep writing. Refine yourself.

[Apollyon]

Ya, it has to be an alcohol/drug related poem.

And PWM, what do you mean by relative rhyme?

[PsychWardMike]

Well, I won't swear that these are actual poetic terms, but a direct rhyme would be two words that sound exactly the same where as it would be two words taht somewhat sound the same (say something like "word" and "blurb" would be relative as "who" and "do" would be direct.)

[Greeneyes]

Well, I won't swear that these are actual poetic terms, but a direct rhyme would be two words that sound exactly the same where as it would be two words taht somewhat sound the same (say something like "word" and "blurb" would be relative as "who" and "do" would be direct.)

I think they're known as rhymes and half-rhymes.

[gothictheysay]

Learned 'em in English last week as True Rhyme and Approximate Rhyme.

[beleraphon]

Its a pretty dreadful poem in my eyes, but I'm sure its exactly what your teacher is going to have wanted.

Its a bit sing-song and childrens rhyme-ish to me, not what I find I like in terms of poetry, and the topic isn't one I'd ever want to read about. However I remember having to write similar stuff in school and I hope you get a good grade for it.

[pgrmdave]

Okay, one of the first and foremost rules of poetry: Never sacrifice reason for rhyme. Syllabic structure (read: rhythm) and the meaning to your words are much more important than having a rhyme scheme.

Its a bit sing-song and childrens rhyme-ish to me

As I first read it, I knew that I liked it for some reason, but I couldn't quite put my finger on why. Reading these two sentences made me realize that it does have the flow of a child's rhyme, which contrasts wonderfully with the subject matter. I think it would be made better if the rhythm were even more standard across every line, and the rhyme scheme more obvious. I think that it would make it sound more childish, similar to "Ring around the rosy", which is very creepy and sad when you realize the actual meaning.

[beleraphon]

Its been proved that ring a rosy was being sung by kids before the plague, fraid that one is a bit of a myth made popular by pirmary school history teachers everywhere!

If you are intersted in the history of childrens rhymes I've got a few books on the origins of then (at least english ones) I'll look the titles up for you.

[Apollyon]

I was sort of trying to make it like a child's rhyme, just because of the apparent young age of the narrator.

And I'm glad you like it pgrmdave! Thanks for the comments!

[rainbowclogs]

I found it profoundly disturbing in the right way because I think this is what you were trying to elicit in the reader/audience.

Yes, I think it works. It is hard to get such a sensitive message across and make it rhyme as well so I'm suitably impressed.
I found it scarey and true at the same time. A child's rhyme depicting the horror of something a child should never see. Yeah, it works

Keep writing

Rain xxx

[Apollyon]

Thanks so much!