Welcome Guest ( Log In | Register )

Reply to this topicStart new topic
> A fable I wrote for class, need some constructive criticism
post Oct 16 2005, 11:16 PM
Post #1

Only posts when he's something to say.

Group: Established Members
Posts: 71
Joined: 5-August 05
From: Jatopia
Member No.: 1,933
Gender: Male

"The Lone Rat and His Family"
An extended family of rats once lived in a city manor. Now the housekeeper of this dwelling was rather old and somewhat blind, so it was easy for the rats to scavenge food from the badly swept kitchen floors. But one day the housekeeper no longer came, and a new one took her place. The floors were given a thorough cleaning, and hard times came upon the rats. Although no rat starved, none of them could eat as he wished.
The next morning the rats met to decide what to do. They quarreled much and eventually told the rats whose turn it was to forage to do whatever was necessary. Now one rat, as usual, had not come to the meeting. This rat thought such meetings a waste of time, and always scavenged alone. The scavengers talked among themselves and began to be suspicious of this rat, saying, “He must not care about the family. Why else would he avoid the meetings?” Their speech became uglier, and finally, finding the rat eating a crumb, they set upon him bodily, biting him to death. The other rats were again happy with one less mouth and more food for each.
The fool maintains disinterest
In affairs of governance
For rights may be deprived of those
Who so lack vigilance.
Alright, the assignment was to write a fable modeled after Indian (subcontinent) literature, so my first concern is that its overall tone may be too like Aesop's.
The first and final sentences seem a bit forced.
The syllable counts of the moral's first and third lines are differ by one.

And now the disclaimer I often seem to need: Please do not feel pressured to help me, only if you wish.

The fansite quiz says I am Mr. Snaffleburger. The fansite quiz is easily manipulated.
"How fine you look when dressed in rage. Your enemies are fortunate that your condition is not permanent. And you're lucky too; red eyes suit so few." -Cheshire Cat, American Mcgee's Alice
"Didn't anyone tell them that it's in the darkness that you see the stars?" -Sarah, "Little Goth Girl: Open Mike Night"
QUOTE(Witless @ Oct 3 2005, 02:16 AM)
My advice, stick to aliens.. they have appendages of all shapes and sizes! Something there for everyone!
Go to the top of the page
+Quote Post
post Oct 17 2005, 10:39 PM
Post #2

^random image of the day

Group: Established Members
Posts: 1,841
Joined: 20-January 05
From: online
Member No.: 1,604
Gender: Male

I don't know if that's the real lesson learned, I think it's more about how the government will always kill those who just want to be left alone.

Go to the top of the page
+Quote Post
post Oct 19 2005, 01:07 AM
Post #3

Advanced Member

Group: New Members
Posts: 33
Joined: 16-October 05
From: Rogue's Island
Member No.: 2,065
Gender: Male

Well, the way I see it, Jatopian, there doesn't seem to much of a defining plot until the end. The main character, the rat who never comes to the meetings, isn't revealed to the reader until the end of the story. Perhaps introducing said rat at the beginning with the other rats giving it some sort of warning, such as "Do not keep food from the family! Have you no respect for the family?" Yeah, something to that effect. I mean the rat has to have some warning, right? How can you be punished without first learning you are not supposed to do something? At least that's how most fables seem to go.

The purpose of nonsense is to be nonsensical.
I don't feel as though my words are what is needed in this instance.
"The rest of those who have gone before us cannot steady the unrest of those still here." Finding Forrester by James W. Ellison.
Go to the top of the page
+Quote Post

Reply to this topicStart new topic
1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
0 Members:


Lo-Fi Version Time is now: 23rd October 2017 - 04:33 AM
Use these links if you're going to shop at Amazon and a percentage of what you spend goes towards helping this site!