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> Wind Chimes, poem/song
Saratina
post Dec 10 2005, 07:25 AM
Post #1


Golden-Eyed Commander of Wishes
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Group: New Members
Posts: 36
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I'm not sure what the general consensus here is as far as newbies creating threads. If this is inappropriate, please remove it.

any critique would be welcome.


Wind Chimes

As the starlight dims, I feel abandoned
and I've run into the same dead end
All alone and scared; you've left me stranded
and the darkness is my closest friend

Now I'm wide awake, but I'd swear I'm dreaming
'cuz this nightmare just goes on and on
When I fall asleep, I wake up screaming
God, I can't keep going on alone

Will you finish what you have begun?
Why does everything good come undone?
I need your light again


--

it actually has a melody, and I like it better as a song, but the format's not exactly right for a song. :S poor lost little hybrid.


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I do it Girl, Interrupted style.
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Astarael
post Dec 15 2005, 10:48 PM
Post #2


Browncoat
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From: Out in the black
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(It's fine for you to start thread as long as they're in the right place, relelvant, and you don't start five a day or something crazy.)
No one's reviewed yet? Normally there's at leat one by now.
What exactly does the title have to do with the content? You're right that it would sound better as a song. It just seems to scan better that way. The content isn't incredibly original, but it's nice and unforced. It might look better with one more rhetorical question in the last stanza, but that's up to you. Overall I liked it well enough, but a little more original imagery (starlight instead of the annoyingly overdone moonlight was good) might spice it up.


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Sometimes we can choose the path we follow. Sometimes our choices are made for us. And sometimes we have no choice at all. ~Morpheus, King of Dreams
I am a leaf on the wind. See me soar.
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