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> Wind Chimes, poem/song
post Dec 10 2005, 07:25 AM
Post #1

Golden-Eyed Commander of Wishes

Group: New Members
Posts: 36
Joined: 4-December 05
From: Texas
Member No.: 2,146
Gender: Female

I'm not sure what the general consensus here is as far as newbies creating threads. If this is inappropriate, please remove it.

any critique would be welcome.

Wind Chimes

As the starlight dims, I feel abandoned
and I've run into the same dead end
All alone and scared; you've left me stranded
and the darkness is my closest friend

Now I'm wide awake, but I'd swear I'm dreaming
'cuz this nightmare just goes on and on
When I fall asleep, I wake up screaming
God, I can't keep going on alone

Will you finish what you have begun?
Why does everything good come undone?
I need your light again


it actually has a melody, and I like it better as a song, but the format's not exactly right for a song. :S poor lost little hybrid.

I do it Girl, Interrupted style.
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post Dec 15 2005, 10:48 PM
Post #2


Group: Established Members
Posts: 1,547
Joined: 18-August 05
From: Out in the black
Member No.: 1,958
Gender: Female

(It's fine for you to start thread as long as they're in the right place, relelvant, and you don't start five a day or something crazy.)
No one's reviewed yet? Normally there's at leat one by now.
What exactly does the title have to do with the content? You're right that it would sound better as a song. It just seems to scan better that way. The content isn't incredibly original, but it's nice and unforced. It might look better with one more rhetorical question in the last stanza, but that's up to you. Overall I liked it well enough, but a little more original imagery (starlight instead of the annoyingly overdone moonlight was good) might spice it up.

Sometimes we can choose the path we follow. Sometimes our choices are made for us. And sometimes we have no choice at all. ~Morpheus, King of Dreams
I am a leaf on the wind. See me soar.
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