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> um. I don't know what to call it., very random and meaningful to me.
torn love notes
post Jun 11 2006, 05:35 AM
Post #1


Worrying
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Tonight is the night we fight.

Tonight it the night we engage in something beautiful.

Tonight is the night to end all.

Will you be there?

Eh this prose totally sucksIm getting weary.

Someone pray for me.

Sometimes I kind of feel like dying.is that all so weird and bad?

Thank you, all of you who have given so much to me.

I love you guys.

Man, has the world come to?

All this Drama and pointless shit.

Its starting to bug me

All these pointless ideas gathered into one.

Hmmmmm. Maybe this can turn into something.

Hey you, thanks for treating me like crap. And taking advantage of how much I love you.

Yeah You know who you are.

Too bad there is someone new in my head.

But I do commend you. You really know how to put a guy where you want him.

Blehh.

Whatever dude. Im sick of all this teenage mellow drama.

When will all of you just grow the fuck up?

What someone does in their life is none of your business.

I WILL FIGHT YOU TO THE DEATH...

Just kidding.

Does this all make sense to you?

Cuz to me its all a collage of nothing.

Fuck the liar and the cheater. Fuck the annoying preppy girl. Fuck the bitch who started all this shit.

Why are most girls such bitches?

I like the sweet and delicate ones. The girls that make you smile. Whose hug is always warm. Who are forgiving.

I learned my lesson. Im gonna take a stand next time.

Guys are cool. Guys are my best friends. Haha. So many good times. With all of you prank phone calls, good music.

Awesome food.

Damn, my mom is a good cook.

What the hell am I saying?

I kind of miss being a little kid, cartoons on Saturday mornings. Chocolate Ice cream after every meal. Why did we grow up so fast? Into immature little bitches. Into backstabbing pricks.IntoThe big kids.

But life is so long. Arent we still little kids?

Stop faking your smiles. Theyre meaningless. Smiles were meant to be real you artificial bitch.

I like that songplay it one more time and let the new ones be just as good. We dont want economy class music.

Sing it well and have a colorful strum pattern.

Might I say youre extremely beautiful!

Dont let it go to your head. Personality counts more.

Getting wasted...smokingits all so stupid.

You wouldnt let me kill you, would you?

Would you kill yourself?

Pshh. How stupid of me. You already are!

How many more promises do you intend on breaking?

That dress looks great on you

Except for its a little too revealing.

I love you man. Thanks for always being tight and staying true.

On the floor starring at my ceilinglistening to the lullaby of a band singingyelling whispering sweet nothings

About some girl who is beautiful, perfect, nice, funny, I would really like to meet this girl of wonders.

Hey Godyoure really cool.

Man your battle stations; this will be a tough fight.

.

But dont worry; Im on your side

Thank you my darling. You have given me a gift greater than anyone has ever given me.

This smile on my face was drawn by you.

And the laughter in my voice, well, you tickled my heart.

Haha. This over substantial joy has distraught me from all my worries. I thank you so much.

Oh wow. I didnt realize this for a moment, but I havent been this joyful for months!

How long will this last?

Am I being foolish with my hopes so high?

Oh I just cant wait to hold you in my arms.

Run. Keep running and dont you ever stop. Run to safety and come back when youre ready.

I mean, who is the coward? The one who runs at the sight of danger unprepared and afraid to die?

Or the egotistical maniac who stays and dies afraid of being a coward?

Unmask yourself!

Insolent child!

Standing in the grass let the wind fall, spiral, crash against my face.

This my friend, is what you call bliss perfection.

The sun is down. The tide is high. Yes sir. Life in the backseat.

Soak up the wind and let the rain dry you off.

When will that make sense?

No! This cant ever end. Please dont go. I swear Ill hold you tight.

My shoulders pretty comfortable; I guess you could rest your head on it.

And your hand? It fits mine just right.

Dont worry kid, I wont run away.

Youre welcome. Why, yes, yes I do know you never said thank you, but I believe its in order.

Isnt it?

Stop saying that you love me. Thats such obvious bullshit. Youre so moronic. You have not the slightest idea of what it is to love. Take it from someone who knows. Im tired of you. When will you learn to leave me alone?

I hope you know that I have my own problems too. Most likely of far more complexity than yours. But since I mean

So much to you. Ill stick around.

Dude youre so fucking awesome.

Really? Me too?

Thanks.

Rock the masses!

Hahah. You may think Im silly for saying this, but I want to cradle you in my arms and spin in circles.

Yes darling, I am speaking to you. Go ahead and smile.


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Where'd the cheese go?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What is life but a death sentence waiting to be completed?
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Felander
post Jun 11 2006, 12:02 PM
Post #2


Obsessive
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I read the first five lines then realised this was going to be a page of 'meaningful' sentences. It needs more structure and coherance.
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Mutilation
post Jun 11 2006, 05:32 PM
Post #3


Speed of Life
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To improve, may I suggest less questions, less really short lines, and less Brechtian comments (Example: YES I AM WRITING A POEM YES YOU ARE READING IT, BUT IT'S JUST A BUNCH OF THOUGHTS, SO I'LL KEEP REMINDING YOU OF THAT).
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torn love notes
post Jun 11 2006, 08:03 PM
Post #4


Worrying
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From: Sa.Texas
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There isn't supossed to be any structure.I'll try writing less q's though


--------------------
Where'd the cheese go?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What is life but a death sentence waiting to be completed?
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Saratina
post Jun 20 2006, 01:07 AM
Post #5


Golden-Eyed Commander of Wishes
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Remember that all of this is just the opinion of another writer. This is YOUR work; do whatever you like with it. Write for you and you alone.

That said, I think this has a lot of potential, but that some sharpening and toning could make it a lot better.

1. The format is awfully intimidating. If you took out everything that wasn't necessary, skipped the double-spacing, and tried arranging it into some informal stanzas, it would be a lot easier to swallow.

2. Talking about the prose within the prose disrupts the flow. Consider revising that.

3. Some punctuation errors, like misplaced commas, words that run together, and mixed-up words (such as it's and its, distract from the piece. You could probably run it through Microsoft Word and get all of those caught fairly quickly.

4. Try reading it aloud so you can see where it stumbles or drifts abruptly from one subject to another. I realize you might have been going for a disjointed feel, however it would still help to have SOME sort of unity.


Despite all my critique up tharr, I really do like this. Keep writing.


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I do it Girl, Interrupted style.
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hyperlittlefaler...
post Jun 29 2006, 08:12 PM
Post #6


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ok well... thats nice... if you want to put it in a letter to someone. and try to not put so many spaces between the sentences its getting me confused
nice poem i like it it must say lots about your life...
and it reminds me of what i would write...


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