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> My friends are so depressed, I feel a question of their loneliness
post Sep 29 2011, 10:58 AM
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Wait for the uprising

Group: Established Members
Posts: 3,177
Joined: 7-April 05
From: In a cave in Scotland
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Gender: Female

Hey everyone

Firstly, I would like to direct you towards http://www.dracinabox.com/ which is an online shop belonging to a friend of mine. It sells all things goth, so I figured some of you may be interested in it.

It's tangentally related to what I'm about to talk about, because my friend is depressed. In fact, lots of my friends are depressed, or manic, or anxious, or having issues with gender or their sexuality. I'm currently going through the process of getting diagnosed- so far, the psychologist is pretty sure I have cyclothymia which is a mild form of being bi-polar. I've been keeping mood diaries (see below) and have been pretty shocked by how much my mood zigzags about by its own accord. I knew I got ups and downs, but I'd never kept track of it before.

To be totally honest, I want to get a diagnosis so I can label myself when it suits me to do so. Like with university: if I miss class because I'm depressed or anxious, I can point to the label and go "so, yeah, that's why". As it stands, I'll tell my advisor that I missed class because I was depressed, and she asks me what causes the depression. Well... nothing causes the depression. It just happens. I don't want to be on medication at the moment- I can still deal with the lows and I don't want to give up the euphoric highs- but it has still been a struggle to deal with the notion that aspects of my personality I am proud of or see as positive could actually just be attributed to symptoms of a disorder and therefore medicated away.

Which is why I'm writing this post. I remember a while back there was a thread discussing the hypothetical situation that if you found out you had a brain tumour that affected your personality, would you remove it? (or something along those lines). This feels a bit like that- being creative and having your mind race with ideas, having euphoric days, high sex drive, optimism (and irritation at the lack of optimism in others)... these are things I enjoy. They are also elements of cyclothymia and would be lost if I was levelled out on medication. I just don't think I could be me without them.

I see a counsellor as I feel it's important for me to be able to recognise how I'm feeling and work around it- I can be unreasonable, I sometimes start arguements with my partners, I push friends away. But usually I notice I'm doing these things when I'm doing them and kind of end up stopping half way through, apologising, and discuss why I feel the need to do whatever I was doing (usually because I don't feel in control of my situation/ brain/ life/ whatever).

So at the end of this huge Hey Listen All About Me post, let's go back to the brain tumour question. If you found out you had a brain tumour that wasn't going to kill you but it affects your personality (according to the doctor because of its positioning or something idk I'm no doctor) would you have it removed? Bearing in mind that it grew slowly over time and the personality changes would just be part of you.

We are unraveling our navels so that we may ingest the sun.


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