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> Ask Jonman Again, The Agony Uncle returneth!
Mata
post Nov 4 2004, 11:22 AM
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Hi Sue here masquerading as Mata, he's still asleep.

I just wanted to know if the weather is going to be nice this weekend? I have a nice lunch date planned with a friend and a bit of shopping (Xmas and all) but movement has been a bit of a problem lately what with bad foot.
So...

Umbrella and raincoat V no umbella raincoat?

Thanks for your wise words.


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Usurper MrTeapot
post Nov 4 2004, 11:43 AM
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Dear Mr J

It is my one month aniversairy with my girlfriend this coming Monday. We aren't very serious, but I'd still like to do something. The problem is we both are very busy that day and are only meeting for around 10 minutes. Anything you suggest (preferably low budget) that we could do that is not clichéd or too romantic?

Yours

Mr 'not-very-good-at-this-whole-relationship-thang'


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Mata
post Nov 4 2004, 11:43 AM
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QUOTE (Jonman @ Oct 25 2004, 01:40 PM)
QUOTE (monkey_called_narth @ Oct 25 2004, 05:18 AM)
dear jonman,

whats the best way to kill a pigon?


heh
*


the best way to kill a pigeon is to unleash a herd of ninja meerkats with hang-gliders, who've been starved for at least 2 days while being subjected to anti-pigeon propoganda materials.

It's certainly not the easiest, but it's by far the best.

That is, assuming you meant pigeon. If you meant pignon (edible seed of several species of pine; also, the tree producing such seeds, as Pinus Pineaof Southern Europe, and P. Parryana, cembroides, edulis, and monophylla, the nut pines of Western North America), in which case, the best way to kill a pignon is fire. Lovely, lovely, red, flickery, hot fire.

*twitch*
*




Sue again
I just thought I should pass on some advice how not to kill a pigeon.
I was living above a pub some years back with my ex flatmate Jim a pigeon had fallen down his chimney and was flapping around getting rather upset. Jim comes home and uses an air rifle that his last flatmate had left behind.

Now Jim did not have any bullets so being a creative person he balled up a little bit of blutack and shot the pigeon right in the eye! It was a very good shot but it didn't really do a lot of damage, just made it fall of its perch.

So Jim then wrings its little neck and chucks it out of the 2nd floor window. Only littl' pigeon was not fully dead yet. Jim then runs down outside the pub which is on one of the main roads in Winchester and proceeds to jump up and down on the poor bugger's head. Right in front of a load of cars sitting at a traffic lights.

I think you will find that this story of woe is a very clear indication of how not to kill a pigeon, but it's very good for getting Jim in trouble with his parents/girlfriends.


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Jonman
post Nov 4 2004, 12:38 PM
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QUOTE (Mata @ Nov 4 2004, 11:22 AM)
Hi Sue here masquerading as Mata, he's still asleep.

I just wanted to know if the weather is going to be nice this weekend? I have a nice lunch date planned with a friend and a bit of shopping (Xmas and all) but movement has been a bit of a problem lately what with bad foot.
So...

Umbrella and raincoat V no umbella raincoat?

Thanks for your wise words.
*


*holds finger in air*

*frowns*

*tosses grass up in air*

*nods*

*wanders around with divining rod*

*mutters*

*inspects the sacrifical goat's liver*

*grunts*

*notes the phase of the moon and conjunction with Jupiter's moons*

*shivers*

*holds a seance*

AHA!

Right, it's definitely probably not going to rain. So I suggest a small umbrella tucked into the backpack that you'll no doubt have in order to have your hands free to catch you in case your foot malfunctions.


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Jonman
post Nov 4 2004, 12:51 PM
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QUOTE (MrTeapot @ Nov 4 2004, 11:43 AM)
Dear Mr J

It is my one month aniversairy with my girlfriend this coming Monday. We aren't very serious, but I'd still like to do something. The problem is we both are very busy that day and are only meeting for around 10 minutes. Anything you suggest (preferably low budget) that we could do that is not clichéd or too romantic?

Yours

Mr 'not-very-good-at-this-whole-relationship-thang'
*


How about doing something that's somehow related to how you first met, or what you did on your first date? For instance, taking her to the same restaurant? Wearing the same shirt (washed, obviously)?

However you go about it - the object of the exercise is to demonstrate that you've given it some thought, and that by making the effort to actually do something, you'll be demonstrating that (in the words of loreal), she's worth it.

Ladies of the forum - back me up here....


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Ashbless
post Nov 4 2004, 10:47 PM
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*gets a small moving trolley, moves Jonman onto the trolley, and rolls him backwards till he's keen to stop*

Mr. Teapot - daisies or similar, find it at the corner grocery for $5 a bunch, flowers are not such a bad touch. Cliched yes, but they work. Arriving at school or work with them for her may embarass her though.

My Question o' Trolley Moved One,

Are you annoyed by the presumptuous Ask Matazone thread that someone posted up in this very same forum? Imagine taking the work from hard working Answer Gurus. ohmy.gif How will they now stay in new PS2 games? Cheeky, very cheeky.

Sincerely,
Irate J-man fan.


--------------------
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Jonman
post Nov 5 2004, 08:04 AM
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QUOTE (Ashbless @ Nov 4 2004, 10:47 PM)
*gets a small moving trolley, moves Jonman onto the trolley, and rolls him backwards till he's keen to stop*

My Question o' Trolley Moved One,

Are you annoyed by the presumptuous Ask Matazone thread that someone posted up in this very same forum?  Imagine taking the work from hard working Answer Gurus.  ohmy.gif  How will they now stay in new PS2 games?  Cheeky, very cheeky.

Sincerely,
Irate J-man fan.
*


Wow. I haven't been trolley riding since my student days, when it was standard practice to roll someone back from town in a shopping trolley after a night on the beers. More often than not, it ended up with the trolley overturning (usually going up or down at curb at speed) and spilling a mess of drunken student into the road into a bleeding, broken heap.

As for the presumptuous thread in question, it doesn't bother me at all. Better have one thread for the entire forum than have each forumite have their own Ask Me thread.

*rolls off into the distance with one wobbly wheel*


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the lil' pie...
post Nov 5 2004, 04:15 PM
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Dear OJ Manobi,

Is it feasible to put three megaphones in a row, as was referenced in a classic Simpsons episode, for increased amplification of abuse?
Said abuse being directed at the people with no good music taste or manners we have to put up with every break or lunch.
*grumbles quietly*
We thought two or three in a row might shock the blighters into submission. Or at least scare them a bit. Would it work?

Yours, infuriated at people's lack of appreciation for non-computer-generated-over-edited-not-really-sung-by-people music, Pie


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Phyllis
post Nov 7 2004, 10:45 PM
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Dearest Jonman,

I think this is the first time I've ever come to you for some serious advice, and not silly questions about toasters and such.

Well, here's the situation. My husband and I are separating, and I'm moving back in with my parents. Though it's not a divorce, this certainly is seeming final. He just doesn't feel the same way about me anymore. He and I are remaining friends. I'm very glad we'll at least have that, because he's truly my best friend.

I've whined to pretty much everyone I know about this. I'm starting to become a bit of an attention whore, I'm afraid. I'm also afraid that I honestly don't care if I am an attention whore or not. Every time I start feeling like I'll be okay, I freak out again. This is the first real breakup I've ever been through, because it's the first relationship I've had that lasted more than a month. I really don't know what to do.

I suppose I should try to meet new people, because that's what he's going to do...but I've never "dated" in the conventional sense. My husband and I met online when we were only 17, and have been together ever since. That's probably part of our problems...we got together so young, before either of us really had a chance to live. How does an extremely shy person go about meeting people for dates and such? And should I date because I feel I should in an attempt to move on, or should I wait until I feel more emotionally ready for such things? These are probably really commonplace things I'm asking...but like I said, I've never really had to deal with dating. unsure.gif

Yours,
Cand.


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Jonman
post Nov 8 2004, 11:16 AM
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QUOTE (the lil' pie fairy @ Nov 5 2004, 04:15 PM)
Dear OJ Manobi,

Is it feasible to put three megaphones in a row, as was referenced in a classic Simpsons episode, for increased amplification of abuse?
Said abuse being directed at the people with no good music taste or manners we have to put up with every break or lunch.
*grumbles quietly*
We thought two or three in a row might shock the blighters into submission. Or at least scare them a bit. Would it work?

Yours, infuriated at people's lack of appreciation for non-computer-generated-over-edited-not-really-sung-by-people music, Pie
*



In a purely theoretical sense, yes, it's perfectly possible to daisy-chain megaphones for ludicrous amplification of shouted abuse. However, the only problem is that of saturation. You see, let's assume a megaphone with a maximum sonic gain (i.e. the number of times louder the output is than the input) of X, and a maximum output level of Y.

Talking into the megaphone at volume Z, the volume of the output would therefore be ZX (i.e. Z multiplied by X)

If we then stick another megaphone on the end of that, the final noise output will be ZXX (i.e. Z multiplied by X squared).

And another one, output = ZXXX (i.e. Z multiplied by X cubed).

And so on, we can add more megaphones, which will increase the index of X in the output equation by 1. However, we have a couple of limiting factors. One is the maximum output level as mentioned above, Y. At each stage of our megaphone train, the output of each particular megaphone is limited to Y. Therefore, for the first megaphone, if ZX > Y, the output will be limited. For the second megaphone, if ZXX > Y, the output will be limited to Y. So, you can see, if all our megaphones are the same, there comes a point where adding further megaphones will make no difference.

The second limiting factor is noise. Obviously, noise is what we're trying to achieve, but I'm talking about noise in a purely electronic signal sense. Any amplifier will add a certain degree of noise to a signal being amplified. Noise is distortion, sometimes called white noise, and is the noise you get when you get 'snow' on an untuned telly. It affects the clarity of the output, adding 'fuzz' and distortion.

Going back to our equations, let's assume that each megaphone adds an element of noise N to the input Z.

So, the first megaphone output, M1= (Z+N).X

Note here that the noise is subject to amplification as well.

The second megaphone output, M2 = (((Z+N).X) + N).X
expanding that equation, we get M2 = ZXX + NXX + NX

The third megaphone M3 = ((ZXX + NXX + NX) +N).X
expanding, we get M3 = ZXXX + NXXX + NXX + NX

As you can see, we're getting more and more noise terms in our equations for each added megaphone. So the more megaphones we add, the less pure the final output signal is. And remembering that we have the limiting factor Y in there as well, after 3 stages, the level is likely to be limited to Y, and the majority of the signal will be noise instead of you yelling into it.

So, what have we learnt here?

Firstly, if you're going to daisy chain megaphones, you need each successive megaphone to be more powerful than the one before. Additionally, you need very clean amplification (i.e. low-noise amps) which are more expensive. Given high-quality megaphones of increasing size, I reckon that with 6 daisy chained together, smallest first, you could actually liquify someone's earlobes at close range.

Good luck.


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Jonman
post Nov 8 2004, 12:02 PM
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QUOTE (candice @ Nov 7 2004, 10:45 PM)
Dearest Jonman,

I think this is the first time I've ever come to you for some serious advice, and not silly questions about toasters and such.

Well, here's the situation.  My husband and I are separating, and I'm moving back in with my parents.  Though it's not a divorce, this certainly is seeming final.  He just doesn't feel the same way about me anymore.  He and I are remaining friends.  I'm very glad we'll at least have that, because he's truly my best friend.

I've whined to pretty much everyone I know about this.  I'm starting to become a bit of an attention whore, I'm afraid.  I'm also afraid that I honestly don't care if I am an attention whore or not.  Every time I start feeling like I'll be okay, I freak out again.  This is the first real breakup I've ever been through, because it's the first relationship I've had that lasted more than a month.  I really don't know what to do. 

I suppose I should try to meet new people, because that's what he's going to do...but I've never "dated" in the conventional sense.  My husband and I met online when we were only 17, and have been together ever since.  That's probably part of our problems...we got together so young, before either of us really had a chance to live.  How does an extremely shy person go about meeting people for dates and such?  And should I date because I feel I should in an attempt to move on, or should I wait until I feel more emotionally ready for such things?  These are probably really commonplace things I'm asking...but like I said, I've never really had to deal with dating.  unsure.gif

Yours,
Cand.
*


Yeah, but toasters do rock, don't they?
*ahem*
I'm sorry to hear about that. In the words of some old dude from the Fifties, "breaking up is hard to do". He's not wrong, make no mistake. So, I think you're perfectly justified in freaking out when such a serious relationship starts to dissolve. The thing to remember when you start to freak out is this: it isn't the end of the world. Yes, it's very serious. Yes, it's horribly upsetting and not pleasant in any way, shape or form. Yes, it's going to change your life from here on in. However, with all that said, and I don't mean this to sound cliched, but life does go on. You will get over this in time. Not tomorrow, probably not next week, maybe not next month, and there's a slim possibility it'll take until next year to totally get back on your feet. And you know what? So what how long it takes to recover. It'll take as long as it takes for you. There is no 'right' way to deal with relationships ending. As I said, it will change your life, but it's up to you to make it a change for the better.

However, let's count the blessings (I know this sounds odd, but go with me). Firstly, your parents are obviously able to offer some support. That's invaluable. Secondly, your ongoing relationship with your husband sounds healthy, sustainable and amicable. Having seen a close family member go through a very very un-amicable breakup, trust me, you're in sooo much of a better situation. Especially if there's kids involved (can't remember if you've got an ankle-biter or not).

As for the attention whoring, the fact of the matter is that you're going through a difficult period. So you probably do need more emotional support than normal. That's perfectly natural and to be expected really. Seeking more attention is probably more emotionally healthy than pretending everything's OK, and bottling it all up.

More important advice as well. Don't rush yourself into dating. By all means meet people, make friends and have fun. But (and this is pretty important, I think), don't pressure yourself, or allow others to pressure you into dating until you actually want to date. Just because your husband feels up to it doesn't necessarily mean that you are, or even that your should do. However, on the flip side, there will probably come a point (and it may already have come - you'll have to figure that one out for yourself) when you'll need to give yourself a kick up the bum and get out there. Because even once you are ready to saddle up the dating donkey, you'll probably still be apprehensive, if not downright scared of the whole experience. So one the one hand, take it at your own pace, but on the other, once you decide that you're ready for it, push yourself to get out there.

As for meeting people to date once that time arrives, to be honest, I'm not really sure myself. One option is personals ads (online or in papers) - they give you chance to weed out unsuitable types, and even to chat online or on the phone first before committing to a meeting. It's a low-impact way to get into it. And it's not just crazy folk who use it - I met a bunch of nice folk from online personals when i first moved out to the states, and even ended up marrying one of them. Remember, that's just one option.

You're right to be concerned about lack of experience because you've been together from such a young age. But once again, so what? Most people have a long-term relationship fail at some point, and they have to get back in the saddle afterwards, whether they're 14 or 40. Life's all about learning about yourself and others, and that's an ongoing process all though your life. Take it at your own pace, don't take any sh** from anyone, and try to do what you want to do. Concentrate on making yourself happy. Fun is fantastic medicine for the soul.

Hope that helps,


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snooodlysnoosnoo...
post Nov 8 2004, 04:01 PM
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Dearest Man of Jonness,

I have to do a presentation on how having a deaf child effects an already established deaf family.
Using your suporior knowledge can you point me at any useful information? I'm tried google but it's almost all to do with deaf children born to hearing families (which is the case 90% of the time so it's understandable) which is of very little benefit to me really.
Any ideas/nudges in directions would be appreciated.

snoo


--------------------
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Jonman
post Nov 8 2004, 04:19 PM
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QUOTE (snoo @ Nov 8 2004, 04:01 PM)
Dearest Man of Jonness,

I have to do a presentation on how having a deaf child effects an already established deaf family.
Using your suporior knowledge can you point me at any useful information? I'm tried google but it's almost all to do with deaf children born to hearing families (which is the case 90% of the time so it's understandable) which is of very little benefit to me really.
Any ideas/nudges in directions would be appreciated.

snoo
*


It might be worth pointing out that I have no prior knowledge of this, but a few minutes spent googling can pay dividends. Sounds like you weren't being quite specific enough with your search terms.

Here's a few decent links I acquired from google, searching for 'deaf children born to deaf families'

Number 1

Number 2

Likewise, some more links from Ask Jeeves

Number 3

Number 4


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Snugglebum the D...
post Nov 8 2004, 04:36 PM
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Dear Jonman,

How're you feeling? biggrin.gif

Me


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Ashbless
post Nov 8 2004, 04:52 PM
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Dear J-man,

Saw the photos. Did you need to use the trolley method of getting home then?

Yours,
Cheeky envious me.


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Jonman
post Nov 8 2004, 04:53 PM
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QUOTE (Snugglebum the Destroyer @ Nov 8 2004, 04:36 PM)
Dear Jonman,

How're you feeling?  biggrin.gif

Me
*

A darn site better than yesterday, thank you very much.

And still slightly apprehensive that someone will drag up more footage of me doing further embarressing things I don't remember.

You?


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snooodlysnoosnoo...
post Nov 8 2004, 04:56 PM
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Thanks for the links, know anywhere I can get dirt cheap OHP acetate things?


--------------------
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Snugglebum the D...
post Nov 8 2004, 04:59 PM
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QUOTE
You?


Still feeling a little delicate - an all night bender in a club is nothing to be sniffed at, I can tell you. ohmy.gif

And I suspect there is more footage of you. Bad, dirty footage.

Looking forward to it. wink.gif


--------------------
Art should be an expression of what humanity is capable of imagining - not limited to representing that which surrounds us - Demetrios Vakras
funked)out_frog is my special Harem slave
Harem count: Markslut, xkitsurabamix, Black - Wings, Candice, Moop, Daedalus, The Lorax, Franken - Sarah, Artemisia, Cath, Wyvern, Saucy Tara, PsychWardMike, JimiJimi, Fallen Element, Smiler, Korbin Dallas, laenan kite, Valerie, Faerieryn, trunk_girl26, Sir Psycho Sexy, Steam Roxxor, pgrmdave, monkey_called_narth
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Sir Psycho Sexy
post Nov 8 2004, 07:21 PM
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QUOTE (Jonman @ Nov 8 2004, 04:53 PM)
And still slightly apprehensive that someone will drag up more footage of me doing further embarressing things I don't remember.
*


....funny you should mention that....


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Usurper MrTeapot
post Nov 10 2004, 11:20 AM
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Dear Man of Jon

What is the best way to dispose of a body?

Your
Mr A. Xemuderer


--------------------
@>-'--,--Cath and gothictheysay are my E-Teapotettes.@>-'--,--
Jaq and believe are my adopted Tea Spoons (wherever they are :'( )
"I am just a worthless liar, I am just an imbecile, I will only complicate you, trust in me and fall aswell."
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Jonman
post Nov 10 2004, 01:49 PM
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QUOTE (MrTeapot @ Nov 10 2004, 11:20 AM)
Dear Man of Jon

What is the best way to dispose of a body?

Your
Mr A. Xemuderer
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Dear Mr Xemurderer. My, what an interesting name you have.

According to cockney folklore, and as seen in the movie Snatch, the best way to dispose of a body is to feed it to pigs. This is unforunately, an urban myth. Pigs are actually very picky eaters. The phrase "eat like a pig" is somewhat of a misnomer. It actually relates to the fact that due to the structure of a pig's palate, they have a tendancy to drool and make a right old mess of whatever they're eating.

So, out with the pigs.

There may be scope for a sufficiently hungry troop of carnivores, but the chances of finding a hungry pride of lions is middle England is slim. So perhaps we need to think smaller. Ferrets perhaps? Our ferrets are a bit finicky, but I'm sure that with enough of them, you could dispose of a body. Beware anyone that runs a ferret rescue.

However, you're best bet is to befriend you local morgue lackey, 'borrow' his keys, and dispose of the body in their incinerator.

It's a shame we've just had Guy Fawkes, 'cos I reckon it'd be a great way. Dress your body up like a Guy, and stick him on top of a massive bonfire. Genuis.


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Usurper MrTeapot
post Nov 10 2004, 02:31 PM
Post #1147


Samauri Teapain
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Re: Body Disposal.

I am liking the Guy idea it is simular to the way my friend has now disposed of the body. However the need to dispose of a body was rather quickly needed I...erm...my friend had to search on the web for a quicker answer.

The net had an interesting answer of the Perminant Homeless Person. Dress the body up as tramp, add a cup of small change infront of him and voila! No one will ever know the difference, for bonus points I put an empty scotch bottle in his hand.

Mr A. Xemurderer


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Ashbless
post Nov 16 2004, 01:38 PM
Post #1148


I could have written a short novel by this point
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QUOTE (Because I can @ Nov 12 2004, 06:11 AM)
When a DVD gives you a choice of viewing styles, Anamorphic, Full frame, etc. How do you know which style is better without watching the same film twice?
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Dear Jonman,

I would also like to know the answer to B.I.C.'s question. Have you wisdom you can share?

Sincerely,
Dedicated Movie Fan


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It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion, It is by the beans of Java that thoughts acquire speed, the hands acquire shaking, the shaking becomes a warning, It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion. - SpeakertotheLost
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Jonman
post Nov 16 2004, 02:20 PM
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Duck Hunter S Thompson
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QUOTE (Ashbless @ Nov 16 2004, 01:38 PM)
QUOTE (Because I can @ Nov 12 2004, 06:11 AM)
When a DVD gives you a choice of viewing styles, Anamorphic, Full frame, etc. How do you know which style is better without watching the same film twice?
*


Dear Jonman,

I would also like to know the answer to B.I.C.'s question. Have you wisdom you can share?

Sincerely,
Dedicated Movie Fan
*


I supppose it rather depends on what kind of telly you have. If you've got an all singing all dancing telly, you want whichever mode has the most shiny bells and whistles. If you're still watching a hamster-powered tube from the 50's, you'll probably want to elect for a 4:3 ratio.

As for anamorphic, I don't know anyone called Anna, so I couldn't possible comment. I'm assuming that she's a particularly bendy girl with a name like that.


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Forever Unknown
post Nov 22 2004, 09:30 PM
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Dear McJonman,

Firstly - 'ello, how're you?

Secondly - I have an exam on Friday. I've found myself becoming Procrasto-Woman (babadaaaa!) and really struggled with getting any revision done. I've been trying to get some done for the past week but only done 20 pages of 77 (and there's another booklet I've got to learn yet, too).

I tend to learn best by reading and writing my notes as I go (having people talk at me doesn't seem to help). This is slow and tedious. Any tips and tricks for making this any easier, quicker, or more effective?

Many thanks,

Kim the McKim


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