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arsen
post Mar 3 2004, 10:36 PM
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Hi everyone.
My name is Arsen, I am 23 years old and i am from Russia.
I have married an american girl not so long time ago and we have the
issues that ruin our relationship.
To make the things really easy and simple is the question of trust.
I am the guilty party here and i have the balls to say it out loud.
I have never cheated on my wife, before or after we got married, in
fact she is the second girl in my life i have had sex with.
All the problems that we have is of my behaviour as an emotionally
immature person. This is marriage counselor's words but they are
true.
Iseem to have a natural ability to screw things up. I am not gonna
tell you all the bad things I did - the list is too long. I am
sinful.
BUT i never cheated on my wife.
The problem is that I have a deceitful personality. In my wife's
words I am a f..g liar. I am a liar. I do not feel comfortable with
her playing a detective on me - but I drove her to that stage when
she just have to.
Right now, after another screw-up it has been to that stage that my
wife does not trust me at all. Not a single sentence i say mean
anything to her. She laughs at my explanations, at my attempts to
start the things over, at literally anything I say.
I am feeling that I have lost her forever.
But I don't want to loose her!!! I love my wife more than everybody
in this world. Everything I do is connecting to the thought of her
in my mind - because that is for her....
How can I win my wife's trust back?????
What should I do - because the words don't work anymore - to gain
her confident in me again???
I am not trying to convince you that i "have changed" or I am
a "better person now" i am just trying to figure out the way of
reaching her intimacy level she once had with me.
i am not a bad person, i am a silly person. Fools don't learn on
their mistakes- i want to be a little bit smarter to learn on my own.
I realize now - after we don't talk at all - that I am the one that
needs a therapy and I just need to learn a simple truth - that I
have to be absolutely open with her and that means everything - even
the slightest thoughts I have. I need to learn how to be open to
her. I need to be explained why it is important to be open with your
wife - and I swear! - I always am the one to dedicate my life to
hers. i am going to see the psychiatrist next week but for now I
still have the question open - how to win her back?
Because I love her so much. She is the only bright light in my
perveted life...
Arsen.
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oobunnie
post Mar 3 2004, 11:39 PM
Post #2


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Well my advice would be to look at why, and when you lost her trust. Why you let it happen. When you figure that bit out, then you can change how you act.
And heres another idea. Why dont you stop lying to her. If you continue to lie to her then she has every right to suspect you. Rather then fearing her anger for whatever you did, own up to it. Its alot easier to get past a simple mistake then to get back lost trust.
And you really havent given the reason why she always questions you. But if you are always doing things that could appear as being un-faithful or decietful then do you really think its wrong of her to question you.
So maybe you should stop doing whatever the things are that are making her uneasy. In other words just start be completely open with her, bring her into the loop of what your doing.


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Enslaved
post Mar 4 2004, 06:19 AM
Post #3


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I don't think you should try to win back your wife's trust. Until you realise what it is your doing wrong, and after you have changed / fixed the problem, then you should try convincing your wife that she just might love you again. Because whats the point of her going back to you, you not knowing how to control yourself, and f*cking things up again?

You shouldn't be so selfish. Get better before even considering making her a part of your life again, coz she wont consider it until you do.


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I lie, I wait, I stop, I hesitate, I am, I breathe, I meant, I think of me. Is it any wonder I can't sleep? All I have is all you gave to me. Is it any wonder I found peace through you? Its not enough, just a touch. Its not enough. I taste, I love, I come, I bleed enough, I hate, I'm not, I was, I want too much. Its not enough, just a touch. Its not enough.
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Litany
post Mar 4 2004, 07:05 AM
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You need to tell the truth. And you need to appreciate that it will take a lot of time before your wife will believe you. So even though you're telling the truth and she isn't believing you, you can't fall into the trap of thinking you might as well lie anyway. And you shouldn't try convincing your wife, or pleading with your wife, or bargaining with your wife, or trying to change your wife's attitude towards you in any way other than by a change in your own behaviour. If you caused the mess with your lying, then your only option is to tell the truth and wait and see if she starts believing you. Bestowing her trust on you has to be her own choice, a choice freely made.

And if the reason you lie is because you're getting up to something you'd rather she didn't find out about, how about you just stop doing that particular thing? Then you won't need to lie about it anymore.

There's no quick fix to the mess you're in. It's going to take time for your wife to regain confidence in you again.

My friend at work is married to a man who constantly lies to her. She's recently suffered a break down and was diagnosed with clinical depression. Whatever you might be feeling right now about your loss of intimacy with your wife, I guarantee, it's 10 times worse for her.


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Mitcea
post Mar 4 2004, 11:33 AM
Post #5


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When trust in a relationship is broken, it is difficult at best to get it back. If it can be gotten back. Both people have to want it and work towards that common goal.

You mention that you have done things to break her trust, but only are specific on lying and not cheating. There are so many other ways to break the trust bond that are more damaging.

If you are trying to save your marriage you must give in to all, and do the right thing. She too has to want it to be fixed. If she does not....it is for nothing.


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franken-sarah
post Mar 4 2004, 08:51 PM
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I'm sorry to say this, and I'm not trying to be mean to you, but you can't win trust - it's like respect and love, you have to earn it!

The only way your wife is going to be able to trust you is if you give her a reason to - stop lying for a start!

Relationships are hard, epsecially when you're young and you've not been married for long, you need to work at it. Treat you wife with respect, treat her as you would want to be treated yourself and then maybe she'll begin to trust you again.

Good luck and take care *hugs*


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Come freely, and of your own will, and leave behind some of the happiness that you bring with you...
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cait
post Mar 5 2004, 05:32 AM
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Dear arsen....What the hell were you thinking when you got married at such a young age, knowing that you probably lack the understanding of yourself and those around you to hold a healthy and intamate relationship with someone? My advice to you, just think before you act. And go wherever that takes you. I have nothing else to say.
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