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> Time Warp, Life is but a dream
DarkLunacy
post Apr 19 2004, 06:14 AM
Post #1


Worrying
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Posts: 161
Joined: 6-August 03
From: Houston, Texas
Member No.: 511



Man... the last yearish has been a blur of experience. It all went by to fast. I think my last post on here was about my overdose... That memory is emblazened on my brain for eternity. A lot has happened since then... A lot of good times, a lot of bad ones. My memory is kinda fuzzy from the insane overload of it all. A lot of people would blame the drugs, and they may have a point, but I like to think of it as too many apiphanies for one person to retain. I began to indulge in pot a lot more, and sought out other wavelengths of experimentation. They included Dextromethorphan (DXM), Mushrooms, LSD, Uppers, downers, Ecstasy and God knows what I shoved down my throat. It was a period of central awakening, spirtual vigor, external numbing. I experienced colors, sounds, sensations only thought of in the recesses of the human mind. I found life, death and the hellish pugatory in between. Nothing was the same, nothing had changed. It began with a lot of pot. Abuse of it actually. It had turned into my escape from the realities of my parents, society, and life in general. I was getting stoned about 4 times a day on average. Did I learn new things, God yes. Did I experience life 10 fold, undoubtably. But it also created a void in my life that I always had a need to fill, and no amount of hash could plug it. I discovered Pink Floyd, one of the most influential bands of my life. The sweet balads that rang life into my ears. I also fueled more heavilly into punk rock. But thats not whats important. The only long term affect marijuanas given me is paranoia, not in the sence that the goverments after me but as in when I talk to my parents they'll nick me for something. And I do look over my shoulder a lot. Eventually though it was time to advance to something with more promise, something that would give me hopes of a greater way of life... Man was I wrong. So my next step... Cough syrup. Robo-trippin. I took my soon to be chemical brother with me. He had brought me in on pot, now I was making it the gateway drug. LOL... Gateway my ass. So we both down a bottle of Vicks 44M Cough Syrup and half of Vicks 44M Cough and Cold. After about an hour we felt nothing so he called his girlfriend over (its about 11 o clock now) and we all chilled out front for a while. I got up to go to the bathroom when I felt funny. I felt drunk. I walked inside without problems, did my business without problems, then fell down in the hall. I admired the smell of the carpet for about five minutes before crawling back outside. He ended up passing out on top of her 3 or 4 times as I insisted we hadn't taken anything. We all went inside and chilled in my room with insence burning (No idea how I managed that) and some Dark Side of the Moon playing. It was an intense night with kalidescope closed eye visuals and was followed by a strange subconcious dream sequense with flying creatures, sharp colors, and shapes I had never seen before. I would repeat this experience several more times with the only downside being a blasted itch. Then I returned to pills, mostly sleep aids. That was the worst. One day I was up, the next tranqed out, zonked, laughing, sleeping, drooling, sedated, wired, popped, ripped.... Terrible part. Then I found X... It was a one weekend experience that forever changed my life. I had scored about 14 tabs in the hopes of dealing and turning a profit. Well... Didnt work. The night I got them I sold one to my friend. Well I fronted him half of it. We were in my truck leaving work when he popped it and then we popped by the bowling alley to see some friends. He was rolling hard by then. "You poor fool" I thought. He was totally oblivious to lifes harsh reallity. We went home and I found all of my stuff trashed by my step father. Literally in the garbage in the garage. Frustrated and angry we departed from my house and returned to the bowling alley and upon arival I popped my first Ecstasy tablet. I blew everyone off and began to formulate a plan. Death... Fucking end it. Thats it. I went into the bathroom stall and sat there crying for about 10 minutes, wish that it didnt have to be real, that I would wake up from this nightmare life and be somewhere else, someone else. I returned to the alley with my composure back. I still ignored everyone but was ready to go.... Its to late now and I have to go so I'll finish it later


--------------------
Remember,
If its something I wouldn't do.... Damn what are you doing?

"We had two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high-powered blotter acid, a salt shaker half-full of cocaine and a whole galaxy of multicolored uppers, downers, screamers, laughers... also a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of Budweiser, a pint of raw ether, and two dozen amyls"

"Order some golf shoes, otherwise we'll never get outta this place alive..."

"How long could we maintain? I wondered. How long until one of us starts raving and jabbering at this boy? What will he think then? This same lonely desert was the last known home of the Manson family; will he make that grim connection when my attorney starts screaming about bats and huge manta rays coming down on the car? If so, well, we'll just have to cut his head off and bury him somewhere, 'cause it goes without saying that we can't turn him loose. He'd report us at once to some kind of outback Nazi law enforcement agency and they'll run us down like dogs. Jesus, did I say that? Or just think it? Was I talking? Did they hear me? "
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spiffilicious05
post Apr 19 2004, 02:10 PM
Post #2


Empowe(red)
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Group: Established Members
Posts: 1,588
Joined: 1-October 03
From: New York
Member No.: 614
Gender: Female



Wow, a lot has happened to you , and I would definitely like to hear more about it. But it would be better for you to go to freewebs.com and post it all in there then place a link into a thread here so that everyone coud read it without the posts taking up a lot of space on these forums. I'm glad you're okay (well I'm assuming you are since you've typed that all so elloquently). I know it can be hard sometimes but don't give up.

Going into bouts of depression is something I'm no stranger to and I know that it seems like death is the only way out. But if you hold on to something and just try your best to ride it out then I sweare to you that you'll look back on that someday and be greatful that you didn't do anything stupid. There will be more days ahead where you'll wish you had, I'm not going to lie to you, but that's what depression does to you. It affects your entire life, but it will eventually ease and you'll see things in a brighter perspective once again. I've gone through depression this year and I've witnessed my gpa drop about 10 pts (it's in the high eighties which isn't awful, just not the best from me). I've failed plenty of tests, almost failed highschool because of so many absences. I've gotten into drugs (ones you can find around the house, not on the streets) and tried to od too. I've had my parents talk about getting a divorce and blame it all on me, I had an ex (who still lingers around) who has been abusive in every way that you can think of, and a father who saw some of these forms of abuse and told us to quiet down because he wanted to watch TV. It's hard to masquerad around this earth pretending to be happy, or just pretending to live. But you're not alone. Contrary to what you may think or feel, you're not alone. There are people out there who are willing to help you. If you need to just pm me and I'll give you my email/number/sn so you can have someone to talk to whenever you need it. Or just someone to joke around with.

OKay, I'm going to go before I turn this into one really really long post. I hope everything turns out okay for you.


--------------------
Squeaky swings and tall grass
The longest shadows ever cast
The water's warm and children swim
And we frolicked about in our summer skin


Where I roam...
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