Man I love these new profiles.
I could have written a short novel by this point
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11 Nov 2010
Hey. Umm. I'm really not sure what I'm looking for in this thread. Subconsciously, a combination of advice, maybe a diagnosis, maybe just some reassurance and insight? I.. I don't know. I'm just really bad at talking about personal problems; probably worse than I am with dealing with others' problems, which some of you have probably realized I'm *terrible* at. Uh. I'll start. Eugh, awkward, expect choppy sentences. >_> Sorry if it.. gets long. The main bits are near the bottom, I just felt a background might be relevant. *shrug*
I am in high school. The drug scene at mine is.. well, pretty cool. That's probably because it's in the ghetto. Which is where the IB program comes in: kids capable of handling it are imported from all over the county to hide that all the standard kids are failing and balance the socio-economic status of the students. IB = AP + more crap, ergo IB > AP in both difficulty and merit. There's a chart somewhere comparing the two, but that's not important. The point.. of this horridly constructed paragraph, is that if you mix a bunch of college-bound constantly stressing kids with a druggie school, it's only so long before someone's like "Oh hey, that Adderall, huh?" I actually learned about it from one of my freshmen teachers, and any drug a teacher tells you is stupid is worth further research.
I've honestly never found amphetamines appealing. That's not a product of DARE brainwash; I got over that when I was about 12. I went from "HOW COULD YOU SMOKE POT? YOU'RE GONNA DIE!" to having an incredibly liberal outlook on substances in about a year. I just didn't understand why people would want to be awake for two weeks straight.
...Then I started reading Erowid trip reports about that funky d-amphetamine. The caffeine on caffeine sounded like, well hell, a miracle drug. The general gist of it, for non ADHD/ADD people was that it will max out your focus and just make everything really clear. Sleep becomes nonessential, you'll understand things you hadn't noticed previously, and so forth. One of my friends described writing an essay on it as it being like for those two hours, it's like only you and that essay exist. Freshman year was nearing an end; it was still a breeze, so, while it sounded like an incredibly enticing chemical, I felt no desire for it. Well, that's not entirely true. I wanted to try it to try it, but not to the extent of hunting down a seller and risking expulsion from the program for illicit nootropic usage. I actually tried convincing my mom I had ADD and getting a prescript, but that went over like hell, lol. (My school is stupid. There's a no tolerance illegal drug policy with a subsection on nootropics, or "smart drugs". Better stop selling chicken in the cafeteria, Wiki lists protein as a nootropic. )
Fast forward through the summer and into sophomore (current) year. Two weeks before exams, I had this "God, I'm f*cked" attitude toward the upcoming nightmare. I knew some kids in some of my classes using Adderall, so bought some of the extended release tablets for a generous price. To make sure I wasn't allergic or anything, I went to the mall with my best friend, told him I was going to down one, and if anything happened to call 911 or something and just be honest with them. 'Cos, you know, dying isn't cool. Neither is getting in trouble, but one is considerably less of a b*tch than the other. A friend of my friend was also with us (he didn't know).
Now, we were in the mall, so I wasn't exactly expecting much mental stimulation. Big news, didn't encounter any. We delved into the Apple Store, looked up some puzzles, but, I mean, I either knew how to do them or didn't, much like in my non-Adderall life. Anyway, the only significant change I noticed (aside from absolutely no appetite) was that I.. was extremely social? Usually when I'm around people I don't know, I don't talk much unless there's something interesting to talk about. (Ironically, I'm perfectly comfortable debating strangers, yet simple "Oh, so what school do you go to? That's cool.." is hella difficult.) But yeah, extremely social. It's not even that this kid was interesting, talking was just.. easy.
Mall closed, went home. I'm pretty sure this was a Saturday night, because I wasn't tired and didn't feel inclined to force myself to go to bed. Instead, I decided to catch up on the dreaded Statistics I'd been avoiding. The way the class is structured involves little classwork, but loads of going home and self-teaching. Hadn't touched the book in ages, managed to get through an entire chapter. I didn't feel like I understood it any better than I did while not on Adderall, which was a bit of a let down, but I wrote this off as it being late; maybe I missed the kick in? Chapter got done, regardless. Coolbeans.
This was all going down during the week leading up to exams and exam week. I had a few borderline A's and B's in IBWH, IB Chem, and AP/IB Stats, so this was an important time period. It was time to give that Adderall another go.
...Again, the effects weren't satisfying. I wasn't understanding things any more that I usually did (honestly, this has never been and still isn't a problem for me. I suppose I was just expecting a sort of insight that Adderall didn't offer me), but I did find it easier to put up with work and the now no longer needed sleep was definitely advantageous. After staying up all night working, to avoid being a zombie in school, I redosed. Seven classes later, I realized that this definitely isn't an intelligence boost so many Erowid trippers report. I was *so* much more social, though. All the BS things I usually don't bother with, like the repetitive notes my French teacher makes us copy verbatim, the warm-up exercises in my math classes, color-coding English passages, sitting there and reading the history textbook, etc. were now just "Meh, I guess I'll do them." things. I wasn't more motivated: the combination of complete apathy, being awake, and having nothing better to do made me do things I'd normally consider not worth the energy. Consider it the equivalent of multiplying 3453453 by 34234 with paper and pen. You know you know how to do it, the practice isn't needed, and it's just a waste of time. It didn't benefit me at all, I just.. did it. And I still don't know why, lol. But oh my god was I social. It's common understanding that the bus in the morning = Izzy's music, homework, and nap time. Disturb me and we're cool, but people can just tell I have no interest in talking to them. "I'm busy, sorry." This has led to me making no bus friends that weren't my friends from elsewhere, but that morning oh my god was I *so* social. I made some new friends, and probably came off as something other than that anti-social nerdy kid for once. (It wasn't a crusade for validation from my peers, it just happened.)
Now, this hadn't gone unnoticed by me. It wasn't a side effect I was expecting, by any means. I don't think I've ever read about it. I suffer from "B*tchy when tired" as much as the next person, but I feel (yet have no empirical explanation for) that this had more to do with the Adderall than just the wakefulness it bestowed in me. Literally every good conversation I've had with my mom since starting this school year (which amounts to what, three?), I've been under the influence of Adderall. I feel so bad about it, too. She tries talking to me, and in an agitated tone I'm like "I'm busy", and then I'll automatically and sincerely apologize because I realize what a douche I sound like. Then it's too late, and the tension will suck for a few hours. Instead of fixing it, I'll keep doing homework, go to sleep, hope things are better in the morning, and hey, they usually are. Lather, rinse, repeat. Stress. Ignore people. Homework.
This has led to a little hypothesis of my own, which I can't exactly carry out an experiment for, but maybe there's some validity to it? I'm curious if anyone has seen studies done. Academically, I've always triumphed. Even the classes that I just want to drop already (French, history, ...and English (which I love, but find comparatively purposeless given what I'll be majoring in)) have never been a problem when you look past me just not wanting to put in the time and do the work. Perhaps, then, rather than being the academic steroid the bulk of society considers it, Adderall simply steps in where people fall short. The struggling high school kid will note a significant increase in brain power while the slacking yet smart introvert will have a guise affable amiability. ..This is literally based on one observation, mine, possible biased by denial, and then twenty or so Erowid reports I've read through. I know that quantifies to crap. Nevertheless, based on the writing style of the trip reporters, those appearing to be more intelligent report questionable success. The people who it seems to work for, seem, well, like they were struggling to understand things to begin with. Is this plausible? Thoughts?
*That* said, I've finally gotten to this part. From every singe report I've read, Adderall only has the desired effects on people who don't have ADD/ADHD. I've read two or three reports from ADD/ADHD users that realize it works so differently for the people they sell it to. It upsets them that they can't have that. It grieves me that I don't experience it, either. I've narrowed the cause down to four possibilities.
1. What I said above. Maybe it improves what it needs to, and if someone isn't struggling academically, the brain will neglect this region make it target what it deems more important. (Disclaimer: Again, I have no chemical, neurological, or biological basis for this claim. My understanding of how drugs effect the brain is amateur at best, and I'm not claiming otherwise. If this gets ripped to shreds by someone, so be it, but realize that given my observations, it makes sense that I've come up with this. So, like, if I'm totally wrong, that's cool, lemme know why because I'm honestly interested, but please don't be all "Lawl, NOOB" about it. >_>)
2. ..Maybe I do have ADD/ADHD or something analogous? This would explain what I'm considering impotence, and *shrug*. I was kind of wild as a child (due mostly to boredom), but over all I'd consider myself pretty mellow? This alone might throw that out. I have looked into it a bit, and I don't exhibit signs of ADD/ADHD behavior. I even looked up how to fake it to try to convince my mom I had it. But, I don't know, maybe I have some other disorder that I'm not familiar with? You're all an intelligent bunch, it's possible you know of something?
3. Hah, maybe I really just am not sleeping enough. (But, like, there's so much I have to do. "Just go to bed earlier" isn't feasible. High school has taught me to be appreciative of every snooze I get and feel indebted to the teachers (<3 my physics, pre-calc comp, and stat teachers) that will let me sleep through and do homework in their classes on occasion. I leave at 6 every morning and don't get home until 6 pm three days a week. The other two days are 6-3. (Two hours of commute daily. My school doesn't start at six.) Throw on the homework that comes with seven academics, and.. it's overwhelming. I'm really trying not to come off as a lazy (through I am prone to procrastination) kid abusing drugs to get through high school. This is.. just honestly some hard stuff.
4. It's extended release. I've never taken more than one of those orange 30 mg extended release capsules at a time. I've actually halved some of the dosages because I just need caffeine without the jitters for a few hours, not all night. Would getting instant release or upping the dosage of the XR possibly give me the "JESUS I JUST DIVIDED BY ZERO, FORMED A QUADRUPLE BOND, AND DIVIDED MATRICES" holy grail I'm questing for? I'd love to see the universe with a feeling of omniscience, but it's possible my expectations are too insane. Maybe I can't fix quantum mechanics or prove some cool currently nonexistent math theorem now, but there's just something so attractive about being able to sit down with a pen and paper and work it out. Even with the boost I'm looking for, I'm probably not going to have the mathematical or scientific backing to do what I want to do (one day ), but.. I just want to know what it *feels* like. (Altered perception in general is just something I've found fascinating. I like feeling the world inside out, hearing colors, seeing sounds, being tickled by music. It's quite poetic, and people just honestly don't have a sense of exactly how subjective our world is until they've completely muddled their state of consciousness. It's so inexplicable, and the cosmos just become astronomically more magnificent when your exposure to them is altered. ..But I digress, got really off topic here, lol.)
What I've been building up to is essentially this:
Whether I've gotten the effects I want to or not, Adderall has serious positive impacts on me whenever I use it. I'm by and large happier and much more competent of dealing with people while on it. I wouldn't say I was depressed, and if I was I wouldn't say the temporary effects would purge me of this problem, but it assuages so much stress. I use it rarely, aside from exam week when I took like 4 in a row, today (physics hell week) is my third time doing it, the other being the mall and once to cram for history (which failed, lawl. I blame syuu's old FB status ). Like, I just finished telling this chick that she should join the math team so we can talk more often. She's one of the bus friends I made the last time I was on it mentioned above. She said I made her day because I thought she could make the math team. I love how I don't need to make effort to talk to people, it just.. happens when I'm on it. Instead of contemplating every word, I just know what to say. I love it. I hate not knowing how to talk to people anymore.
Basically, idk, is it worth telling my mom (who was against Prop 19 and has told me she'd disown me if I ever did drugs. To her happiness, I've informed her I would never dream of such atrocious behavior and have sited academic success as proof that I don't. Thank god we're German and drinking doesn't count, because I was so unsubtle about it when I went through that phase >_>) that I illegally obtained something she specifically told me not to, even if I present and make a spectacle of the obvious benefits I've experienced? I feel like if I start using it habitually (as of yet undecided), it's something my doctors should be aware of. I don't want to be in a situation where I die because of an incomplete medical history. I can just imagine the combination of Adderall and some medicine I need leading to heart overload and my body just crashing. Maybe that's too much of a pessimistic outlook, and while a lot of things are prescription that needn't be, amphetamines have been linked to heart attacks, high blood pressure, and other things I don't want. My mom is so anti-drug that I can just imagine her disappointment, though. I mean, the disown thing is a clear hyperbole and she's stuck with me for two more years anyway.. but.. idk. I just don't know. I also don't want to be accused of this not being the real me. I can just imagine that convo, eugh. "I want to talk to you, not the drugged up you." "Mom.. it's not like that. The people you talk to on anti-depressants and bi-polar meds aren't 'drugged up'. That's them how they want to be." "*doesn't listen, throws my stuff away*"
Eugh. I hate not knowing. D: Obtaining them isn't a problem, and I really don't want this to come off as drug-seeking behavior. If something *works* for people (be it anti-depressants, MDeffingA, whatevs), they should have the right to express a legitimate interest to help themselves and get a prescript without fear of screwing up their lives because the coppers don't have better things to do than nail people for possession of scheduled substances. I'm me, and I think most of you know that I consider our current drug laws ridiculous anyway, but.. eugh, I'm not using it to get high, is my point. My mom should be able to understand that, right?
(Haha, wow, 2800 words. I think I lied when I said I didn't have time for NaNoWriMo. >_>)
24 Sep 2010
..So this will either be very lame or very cool depending on your linguistic interests. Besides, I have a weekly thread quota to meet (how else will I feed the children?), so you will get random things I feel are awesome.
Like the word bombastic!
Bombastic - noun - high-sounding language with little meaning, used to impress people
Okay, not that cool, but put it into the context of fluffing essays. If you don't pull off an essay successfully, you're said to 'bomb' it, but throw in some grandiloquent words and craftily weave sentences together, and you intermingle a would-be bomb with the guise of fantastic to get, bombastic!
... Yeah. I thought it was cool.. *nervously clicks post button*
23 Apr 2010
I'm absentmindedly watching a Larry King interview with Seth MacFarlane. I totally thought Larry just said "We'll have moron Sarah Palin when we get back from the break." Me: Hahahahaha, he's calling her a moron right before interviewing her?
..Apparently that was more on. Meh.
24 Oct 2009
This is what my friends and I do in our spare time..
I'm personally trying to get this bull removed from our schools, by whatever means possible. Written by my friend Chris and I.
I pledge no allegiance to the flag of the Divided States of Embarrassment, and to the religion that stole the nation, 300 million people, under Fox News, with intolerance and bigotry for all.
1 Dec 2012 - 13:29
1 Dec 2012 - 6:03
25 Jun 2012 - 20:50
21 Sep 2011 - 7:59
3 May 2011 - 1:36
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