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antagony
Has too much time on their hands
30 years old
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Singapore
Born Sep-30-1987
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Joined: 26-August 03
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Last Seen: 20th July 2004 - 09:49 PM
Local Time: Oct 23 2017, 01:38 AM
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antagony

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1 May 2004
Urban Freakshow has been updated! It's been a while since I was plugging it all over the place, but... yeah, it's me and Sean's site, and it rules, and you love it even though you've never been there. We have a new layout now and we'll have some new content soon.

We also have forums which no one really posts on, so you should go there too. Or something.

Also: if you like to write fiction, nonfiction or anything in between, please submit it to us. Submission guidelines are on the site, I think. We're always desperate for content, so even if you don't think we'd like it, you might as well, right?
22 Mar 2004
I haven't had many whiney posts lately, so I figured I might as well...

I'm really not sure whether I'm confused or just really depressed about my life right now. Not that there's anything wrong with it. Well... I'm trying to leave Singapore and that's really not working out very well, but other than that I've got nothing to complain about. And that just makes me feel guilty, because I shouldn't be spending so much time whining. I really don't know. I just hate myself, and I hate myself for hating myself because I know it annoys the hell out of everyone around me.

I'm such an attention-seeker, too. I don't know if I say things because I want to express myself or just because I want to be noticed by... well, certain people in particular, but sometimes just people. I act like a total jerk to my friends because I'm hoping they'll notice that something is wrong with me. They don't. My life always seems to fall into place so that nothing ever happens. That's really what this is all about, I guess. I've hated my life up until this point (even though I have way more than I deserve and I'm an all-round spoilt brat really) and nothing changes. When I try to get things to change, they just don't.

And I can't imagine having any future at all because besides the having no skills whatsoever thing that would have to involve things changing, and like I said, nothing ever changes.

I don't know why I'm even writing this. I've never really felt like I'm a part of this forum and hardly any of you actually know me, but... meh, I don't know. I just want to be a part of something, and everyone else seems to relate so well to the people here. Sorry. I just don't know what to do these days because I'm afraid of everything staying the same.
20 Nov 2003
I just had a conversation with an acquaintance of mine, in which he told me that he was trying to help me get out of my depression and conformity. He then called me a useless whore, a stupid thick skulled twat and said that the only thing I was good for (and this is a direct quote) was being raped with a knife.

This just makes me feel so good about myself. Some of you know just how great my self-esteem already is. This really helps, too.

And I'd feel so much better about it if this guy wasn't my best friend's closest friend, and if my best friend hadn't told me that he liked this guy more than he likes me, and if my best friend (the first actual friend I've ever had, by the way) wasn't constantly yelling at me because of my low self-esteem.

The thing is, I don't hate either of them. I can't help but think that they're probably right, and I'm a conformist and a stupid whore, and I should just kill myself since that's what everyone seems to think. I want to stop thinking this, I really do. It's just hard not to be f*cking depressed when everyone seems to want me to.
30 Oct 2003
For some reason my school blocked this site a while back, causing me to be bored out of my mind all day. And then I found this site: http://quad341.com/cgiproxy/nph-proxy.pl and I can access pretty much anything that's banned on the network. I'm very happy about this.

Woohoo! I'd jump around if I wasn't in English class!
12 Oct 2003
I can't believe I'm even writing this. I guess I had to say it somewhere, and... I don't know, people here seem nice so maybe you'll listen to yet another stupid rant. I just need to talk about these things and no one else seems to be listening. Sorry.

Right. Basically... I hate my best friend, Lex. I despise him. Sure, he's a nice guy and I don't know why he puts up with me and my whining but I just can't stand him anymore. I've known him for a long time and I trust him more than I trust anyone, so I told him some stuff that I probably shouldn't have, and then he goes and posts it on a message board, for the whole world to see. I'm not really sure, but I think that what he said may have basically destroyed my friendship with someone else, who I'd become pretty good friends with over the summer. Every time I try to talk about it with Lex he just acts as if it was no big deal. Sure, it's not his life, so it's no big deal. The fact that my very limited social life is basically deteriorating is no big deal. Great.

And he has this other friend, who I absolutely despise. This guy actually just hates everyone. He used to come online and start insulting me for absolutely no reason. Apparently he does this all the time, and because he does this to everyone, of course it's no big deal. One time I was telling Lex how some of the things this guy said (he makes fun of the fact that I'm manic-depressive all the time, among other things) are really hurtful and he basically ignored me. What Lex says is that this guy thinks I take myself too seriously - because I take offence when people make fun of a genetic mental disorder that nearly destroyed my life. He won't even say anything when this guy insults me behind my back. Just yesterday they were talking on the phone and Lex's friend started insulting me for no reason at all, and Lex just laughed. Then told me exactly what his friend had said. If he really cares about me at all (which he claims he does) he could say SOMETHING.

I'm too upset to type right now. It's just that... well, he's the only real friend I've ever had, and if I just stopped talking to him I'd be completely alone. I'm afraid that I'm driving him away as it is (it wouldn't be the first time that's happened) and I don't want to be alone again. I've felt so awful over the past couple of months and I can't deal with that on my own, but these days he seems to be making my life worse rather than helping me with anything. Every time I try to talk to him he just ignores me, or laughs at me. I don't think I can deal with that anymore, but what's the alternative?

Sorry, I had to write that somewhere. And sorry for apologizing for everything. And... ah, forget it. Just pretend you never read this.
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